These are things people actually said to me at my brother’s wedding this weekend. My dad always tells me that I need to lower my expectations of humanity. I don’t know why I’m always surprised by the audacity of people – you’d think I’d have learned by now.
5. “Did you bring a date?”
Do you see a date, punk? Use your eyes, not your mouth.
4. “Hi, we’ve never met before. I’m Doug.”
Actually, Doug, you were my youth pastor for all four years of high school. Glad I was such a memorable kid.
3. “Who was that guy you were just talking to? It seemed like you were really hitting it off. Wedding bells soon?”
Over-eager Aunt Gertrude, I know you are desperate to see me married off. And I appreciate your enthusiasm. Actually I don’t. The single men here are all barely out of college. Please stop asking me about every baby-faced child you see me talking to and assuming he is my future husband.
2. “Can you imagine how much sex your brother is having right now?!”
That is absolutely crass and classless, you tasteless buffoon. Also, that is a mental picture I could have gone without, thanks.
1. “Weren’t you supposed to get married earlier this year?”
Yes, Uncle Mike. Like I told you at your daughter’s graduation and again at Thanksgiving, my fiancé proposed in January and got cold feet in March. Thanks for having me re-live that on a monthly basis in front of large groups of gawking relatives.
On the plus side, I totally rocked my duet with Jack. I can’t control others, but I can control myself, so when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.