It may come as a surprise to some of you that I am not confrontation averse. That statement was made with complete sarcasm.
Now, I don’t consider myself a contentious woman or someone who stirs up trouble just for the sake of excitement, but if someone needs to be rebuked or held accountable, I have no problem speaking up. Granted, some might say I still need work on the whole rebuking “in love” thing. I’m a work in progress.
Flynn hosted a Christmas party at his house last weekend. Yes, the same Flynn who has insinuated his interest in me but is still dating the girl he’s been “meaning to break up with” for two months. He said he knows I need an alpha male and “could be the kind of man [I] need”, but if he’s having trouble cowboying up and breaking things off with this soon-to-be-ex, I’m not so sure he’s as much an alpha male as he’d like to believe. This is my Not Impressed face.
I showed up to his Christmas party two hours late because I was spending time with Bryan, who left on Saturday for a week long trip to Colombia. It was a beautiful night out, so the doors and windows of Flynn’s house were all open. Since it was formal attire, I’d chosen to wear the same knockout floor length green formal I wore to sing in my brother’s wedding. I’d curled my hair and gone heavy on my eyeshadow for a dramatic look. As I waltzed through the doorway, the three gentlemen standing in the entryway stopped their conversion and watched me float by. Just the reaction I’d been going for.
I made my way to the kitchen for a drink. A girl I hadn’t met before greeted me with, “You look gorgeous!” just as Flynn turned around from where he’d been standing at the sink. At the same moment, Patricia, Flynn’s girlfriend, walked into the kitchen wearing a dress the same shade of green as mine. This new girl I’d just met oohed and aahed over how well Patricia and I matched and then insisted we take a photo together. #facepalm
The night progressed, and Flynn and I proverbially danced around one another. I agreed to sing karaoke with Trey, a sweet but awkward thespian. He chose the Frozen duet “Love is an Open Door.” We hammed it up, and the rest of the party loved it. Flynn jumped up with mistletoe on a stick and held it over us; then he videoed the end of the song when Trey’s character proposed and mine said yes.
“It’s official now,” Flynn said to me as I passed off the mic. He’s been teasing me about Trey ever since the camping trip.
“If you make one more crack about us…” I threatened jokingly. He just grinned.
When I sang karaoke for “Silent Night”, I glanced up to see Flynn watching me intently. Then he took the mic and imitated Elvis with “Blue Christmas.” His eyes locked with mine several times with silent communication I couldn’t decipher.
Patricia wasn’t feeling well and so left early. Meanwhile, the girl who’d loved my dress got out a violin, and Flynn went to a back room to pull out a cello. He plays cello. A super hot engineer in a suit and tie playing a melancholy line on a cello?! That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all.
I walked past him at one point while he was tuning and commented, “I didn’t know you played cello.” He looked up at me through dark lashes from his seated position and said with a sideways smile, “We haven’t gotten that far yet.” A present perfect verb tense. My heart fluttered. Interesting.
Over the booming of the speakers and the volume of the higher pitched violin, I couldn’t hear Flynn’s cello very well and told him as much at the end of the party. “I was disappointed I didn’t really get to hear you play.”
“I guess you’ll have to come back then,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
“…or you could stay,” he mouthed silently to me when the others in our conversation weren’t paying attention. Then, embarrassed, he said out loud, “I didn’t say that.”
I pretended not to see or hear either comment. What was there to say? There was no appropriate reaction, because those comments shouldn’t have been made. He’s made his choice. He’s still with Patricia.
I left at the end of the evening feeling frustrated. I’m attracted to Flynn but feel like I shouldn’t be. Why does chemistry have to be so unpredictable and uncontrollable? And how much should raw attraction play into our relationship decisions?
The whole drive home, I kept hoping he’d break his silence and call. This party was the first time we’ve interacted since our lunch a month ago, and based on how things went, I felt like there was much to be discussed.
I typically don’t like to initiate (because I’m traditional and think that’s the man’s role), but I was so frustrated and confused that – for the sake of my health and sanity – when I got home and still hadn’t heard anything, I decided to call.
When Flynn answered on the third ring, I opened with, “Hey, it’s Aurora. Can we talk about the mixed signals I’m getting?”
“From Trey?” he asked without missing a beat. But surely he knew better.
“No.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook. “From you.”
His response was immediate, with a tone of knowing he had some owning up to do. “I’m a horrible person. I never should have said those things.”
“Stop. You’re not a horrible person,” I countered, “But you’re still with Patricia, yes?”
“Well, a month ago, you told me you’d been planning to break up with her for weeks. So… things have gotten better with you two?”
“No! No. I just… it was her birthday on Monday. And before that, it was Thanksgiving. I keep rationalizing to myself, putting it off. I’m being a pansy. I just need to man up and do it. But I know it will devastate her, and I don’t want to hurt her. There just never seems to be a good time.”
“Well, there never will be a good time. But you’re a man and can take responsibility for how to handle your relationship with Patricia, so I’m not going to speak to that, but if you’re going to keep dating her, you can’t keep flirting with me the way that you do. You do realize you’ve put me in an uncomfortable situation, right?”
“Yes. And I feel horrible about it. After our lunch, I knew I couldn’t even talk to you until things were settled with Patricia. There’s this tension between us – you and me – this attraction. That’s why you haven’t heard from me. It’s taken so much self control for me to have your phone number and not call you. Or instant message you at work.”
He continued, “And you’re like a ninja at lunch. I’ve started sitting at a different table where I can see all the doors to the office cafeteria, but I never see you come in or leave.” Aww. He’s been looking for me.
I decided to show my cards a bit since he was doing the same. “I guess that’s why I haven’t seen you. I keep looking for you at your usual table.”
We both grinned into the silence over the phone line for a moment before I sobered up and sighed. “Okay. I’m sorry to have initiated this potentially awkward conversation, but I felt like some of these things needed to be said.”
“No, I agree completely. Better to get them out in the open and address them.”
“Good. Well, like I said, it’s your choice what you do about Patricia, but I think you know I’m not a boyfriend stealer, and I have no intention of being ‘the other woman’, so I’m not going to wait on you. You do your thing, and I’ll do mine. If the timing ever works out, great. But I need you to know that I’m setting aside any expectations.”
“Right, of course,” he agreed. “That’s the way it should go.”
“And I’ll stop looking for you in the cafeteria,” I added.
“And I’ll stop checking your status on Communicator,” he concurred.
There was a brief pause before he closed out, “So I guess I’ll see you at work on Monday.”
“Maybe,” I replied cryptically.
He chuckled. “Okay, have a good night.”
Hmmm…, I’m very confrontational myself, so you’re right, if you want to be happy, you’re going to have to find someone who can match that in temperament.
Attraction in women can be an odd thing. It sure sounds like it’s Flynn’s unavailability that is drawing you towards him. Playing hard to get can be very attractive to women, I have no idea why. Perhaps we perceive men who are less available as having more worth and value?
LOL, anyway, no offense, but Flynn is starting to annoy me and I’ve lost all respect for him. If you’re anything like me, once the respect goes, so goes the interest and any possibility of a future relationship. If I were dating Flynn after he’d broken up with this girl, I’d spend the whole time wondering if he wasn’t now leading me on too, simply because he was too chicken to play straight.
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Yep, you and I are cut from the same cloth. Once upon a time not too long ago, you wrote an entire post about this issue of attraction and respect.
“’Boring’ is not a good place for women to be because BORING LEADS TO A LACK OF RESPECT AND THEN WE SOON ARRIVE AT CONTEMPT… If you are too compliant it actually tends to make women uncomfortable. You may be trying to show your respect, but she’s not really looking for respect at all. She’s trying to figure out what you’re made of… we’re looking for leadership, protection, the ability to kill bears.”
My response at the time:
“I especially appreciate how well you articulated the fact that …Boring -> Lack of respect -> Contempt.”
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I think it was a good idea to confront him on the whole situation… but there is something off about Flynn. Devilishly handsome, smart and cello playing is fabulous but…there is something else. Maybe if he’s willing to do it to Patricia he’d be willing to do it to you? Kind of like the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? I have to agree with the above though… Boring=Contempt sooner or later.
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