Bachelor Bash – Week 1

The BachelorAllow me to preface this post by openly stating that I never had any intention of (or even inclination that I would ever consider) posting about “The Bachelor”.

However, since the roots of this particular blog are Dating and Humor (just have a look at my Tag Cloud to the right), I suppose it makes sense that my blogging could eventually intersect with this ridiculously horrible, sadly laughable fiasco of a show that simultaneously inspires, disgusts and amuses its viewers. Okay, mostly disgusts and amuses.

In any case, my friend Melanie invited me to this season’s session of recurring Girls’ Nights to gather with other women and marvel at the lengths girls will go to find “true love.” As a rather jaded former Disney-princess-at-heart, I have decided to join in the festivities for the purposes of:

  1. Engaging in fellowship with my girlfriends
  2. Conducting an informal study of female psychology
  3. Totally dominating our group’s Bachelor Bracket
  4. Gathering easy fodder for hilarious blog posts

In preparation for tonight’s season premiere, I did a bit of research on the contenders and, to my surprise, found that I have already begun to experience that rare combination of emotions elicited only by horrible reality TV shows: simultaneous disgust & amusement. For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

JordanJordan: The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is jumping “off the back of a boat bar naked in the British Virgin Islands”, and if she wanted to impress a man, she’d “give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.”

Oh, Jordan. Please develop some self-respect and realize that you attract the kind of men you cater to. If you want a man to treat you like you’re nothing more than sex on a stick, keep doing what you’re doing, kiddo. You’re on a roll.

NicoleNicole: If she could be a fictional character, she would be Jessica Rabbit because “she is so unapologetically sexy with natural sex appeal”, and if Nicole were an animal, she would be a wolf because they are “magical and bad-ass creatures”.

Okay, when I look at you, Nicole, I’m not getting “sexy” and “bad-ass”. Or, by the way, someone who wants to “jump in the sack”. Are we compensating a bit here?

NikkiNikki: Her occupation is listed as “Former NFL Cheerleader.”

So Nikki, what you’re trying to tell us is… you’re unemployed? Living in the past? Looking for a sugar daddy? Trying to keep the glory days alive as long as possible?

TaraTara: She can’t live without whiskey, loves it when her date “opens the truck door” (I guess she only dates country boys?), views marriage as merely “legal documentation” of commitment, and her occupation is a “Sport Fishing Enthusiast.”

Can your occupation be “an enthusiast”? I mean, I’m an ice cream enthusiast. Can I get paid for that? Because that sounds sweet. Literally and figuratively.

*Sigh. All right, Bachelor Chris. It’s now Open Season on thirty needy, desperate, insecure bachelorettes. This should be interesting. And by interesting, I of course mean simultaneously disgusting and amusing.

Authentically Aurora

Quote/photo source: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor 

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7 thoughts on “Bachelor Bash – Week 1

  1. LOL! You are so much braver than I am. I can’t even make it through the previews of that show. Honestly I worry that men might watch that show and think those are actually women. It’s enough to give me an anxiety attack 😉

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  2. As a jaded Disney princess at heart, I think you should see Into the Woods. I think you will find that after the fairy tale, there is more of a realism, though more of an extreme idea of it, that you might appreciate. As far as the Bachelor, I have some feelings (mostly disgust and amusement) about it. It is such a train wreck that for those women/men to ever go on it expecting to find love they are either really naive or trying way too hard.

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  3. This is absolutely hilarious…how you write it of course. I haven’t watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” or there is also “Bachelor in Paradise,” which is so much better than the other shows. 😛 Love your thoughts about those woman…. classic sarcasm I would say. 🙂

    Those are actually some great reasons to watch it! The only time I’ve ever watched something like that was when I was extremely bored and wanted to laugh a bit at others. I watched the “I want to Marry Prince Harry” which was on fox and it actually lasted the whole season. I was expecting fox to cancel it since I didn’t think enough people would watch it but with all of their shows, they cancel the good ones and leave the really bad ones on. I wouldn’t go on the record of saying that I was obsessed or addicted to the show, but I kind of wanted to know if he was going to pick the right one or not. Actually, there was one main good message, don’t lie because that will cause problems as it did…I don’t want to really ruin more of the premise since I’m sure watching this show is on your bucket list if you haven’t watched it yet. 😉

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  4. That is such a weird show indeed. Altough, who am I to say – I have not really watched TV in years. Too busy doing other stuff.

    However, behind those ridiculous characters you presented are a couple of very real problems in the western culture. Number one is that these women are from childhood reared to think their role is to marry some rich man. That, that is their prime goal. Not that they could actually be succesfull individuals on their own right and find someone equal to them to share their live with. The second is, that when the markets determine social values, such women with such second rate expectations of themselves, are open prey to sell themselves by their sexuality in public.

    I just heard, that here in Finland we are going to have a “reality” show on TV, where a man and a woman meet for the first time just before they get married. It is perverse. Most Finnish couples these days take marriage very seriously and live together for years before actually getting married.

    Of course, for these “reality” shows, the producers select from the already clueless band of volunteers, who have been taught to think celebrity in itself is something to strive for, the ones with most extreme stupidity, sex drive and desperation to make a number of themselves at any cost. Because that way the viewers are not only kept curious, but only get to feel superiority towards these poor sods.

    Sex sels as it is a natural need for humans, but also because when it is supressed by unhealthy social norms and double moralism, it kind of gets stacked and piles and builds up to all sorts of unhealthy releases, that the markets are all too happy to exploit.

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  5. Pingback: Telephone Pictionary | Authentically Aurora

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