The most fearsome sight you will ever behold is a female INTJ while she is PMSing.
Seriously. I intimidate myself sometimes.
And while I am in the dark and twisty place of PMSing INTJ-ness (a truly terrifying place, to be sure), I believe a lot of lies about myself and others. Things I know to be true in the Light, I begin to question in the sudden Darkness.
Or, you know, the throes of hormonal mood swings.
Here are 3 Lies I’ve believed this week:
- I Am Fat.
- I Am Undesirable.
- I Hate Everyone.
I Am Fat.
It’s true that I weighed in at 132 this morning, which is 7 lbs heavier than I would like to be, but I always weigh about 4 lbs more on the days leading up to my period (sorry, guys. Deal with it or stop reading). At 5’4″, even with this extra monthly tonnage, I am still well within the healthy weight range for my age, gender and height.
I just FELT fat because, besides it being “that time of the month” resulting in bloating and clothes not fitting right, my hormones have been all out of whack, which increases my sensitivity and insecurities.
I read a book a few years ago by Beth Moore called “So Long, Insecurity.” I HIGHLY recommend it to all women everywhere. This means you, girlfriend. I consider myself a fairly confident woman, but she helped me identify some blind spots for myself (e.g. perfectionism as a form of insecurity) as well as the root causes of some of those insecurities.
Beth writes of battling our insecurities, “We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”
I Am Undesirable.
In addition to feeling fat, I felt generally undesirable this week. Besides perfectionism, I also struggle with the fear of rejection. And Bryan has been distant this week. We had our first major fight on Sunday, and on Monday, he took this other girl Jenn out for a steak dinner for her birthday. Umm… what?!
Not only was I horrified that he was taking another woman out 1:1 for a steak dinner, but ironically, I had been craving a nice, juicy steak all weekend (you know, period-induced anemia that has my body craving iron – i.e. red meat). It’s true that Bryan freely volunteered this information of going out with Jenn, and he reassured me that he was doing it out of obligation because she’d taken him out for a steak dinner for his birthday a few months back, but I was still upset – I think, understandably so. But fortunately, I was able to rein in my inner Grumpy Cat/Angry Unikitty (apparently my spirit animal is a cat of some sort…?). Ever-perceptive Bryan is hopefully none the wiser about the Green-eyed Jaguar poised to pounce out of his jealous maybe-almost-kind-of-girlfriend.
Beth writes about this particular struggle, “We need a place we can go when, as much as we loathe it, we are needy and hysterical… I need someone who will love me when I hate myself… As if the battle isn’t hard enough, we sabotage ourselves, submerging ourselves with self-condemnation… How often do we think to ourselves, I should be handling this better?”
I Hate Everyone.
Yep. I feel this way most of the time, monthly period or not. People suck. They constantly disappoint me. I try to lower my expectations of humanity, but I fail. I want better for people than they want for themselves, and that makes me sad. I don’t want to have to lower my expectations of humanity. I want people to step up to the plate and be the amazing men and women they are capable of being.
The truth is, I don’t hate everyone. Or even most people. In fact, my problem isn’t that I care too little but that I care too much! The opposite of love is not hate; it’s apathy. I’m not a robot or a cold-hearted, calculating villain. I’m a tender-hearted young woman bleeding out for the world to be better than it is.
Beth writes of herself, “I feel everything. My joys are huge, and so are my sorrows. If I’m mad, I’m really mad, and if I’m despondent, I wonder how on earth I’ll go on… God gave me this tender heart, and though I want to give up my chronic insecurity, I really do want to hang on to my heart. I like to feel. When I don’t feel something, it’s like being dead.
“Each heart knows its own bitterness (Prov 14:10). The more intense the pain, the more it feels like nobody understands… Your personality and history shapes your response, just as my own unique background affects mine… For me, this is one profound reason that God, omniscient and omnipresent, has been the vital element in my healing. During particularly lonely or frustrating times, [we feel] that nobody else gets it. But He gets it better than we do. So many times He has shown me where I was coming from instead of the other way around.”
When I believe the Lies of the Darkness, I want to remember to set my eyes on the Truth of the omniscient, omnipotent Father of Lights who sees me as I am, remembers that I am dust, and Loves me.
Each heart knows its own bitterness. That is for sure. I think that is why I can’t stand most people too. It’s because I have such high expectations of them (and me of course) and they are constantly letting me down. (Though to be fair, no ones perfect except God and Jesus right?) I remember my boss telling once that the reason why I get so frustrated is because I cared too much about trying to fix everything. That makes a lot of sense actually.
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Glad it resonated with you. It’s frustrating sometimes to care so much, but the world needs bitter people like us (who are sweet and marshmallowy on the inside) who inspire people to become who they are capable of being, even if our hearts get broken over and over in the process.
Your earthly father also see you as you. You are not dust. You are darling. He loves you more than he can ever say.
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Thanks, Daddy. ❤ I was quoting Psalm 103 – God shows compassion to us because he remembers that we are formed from dust, and to dust we will return. I surely do love you and am so thankful for your constant encouragement and affirmation. I am who I am today because of you. Hs & Ks
One of my favorite posts of yours so far! This line definitely resonated with me: “I’m a tender-hearted young woman bleeding out for the world to be better than it is.” Especially because it came after the “I Hate Everyone” text – which I commonly find myself thinking too. But that book is officially on my reading list!! Thank you for sharing.
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Yay! I’m so glad you connected with this post! I mean (ha), I’m not glad for your sake that you connected with this post – particularly the “I Hate Everyone” text! 😉 But enjoy Beth’s book. It’s a great one. I’d love to hear your thoughts if/when you finish it!
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I love the Lego Movie although!!!! Totally agreed with you on the “I Hate Everyone” section. My hormones are raging so much so it changes my mood and takes hold of my choices and thoughts – holds dominion over me. It especially takes hold of me when this really annoying insanely extrovert who thinks he’s my friend starts talking to me. I start to get all grumpy when I see his face because he then asks me, “Why are you so grumpy today?” as if he doesn’t know that I am always grumpy when I see him!! Ugh… I’m not mean enough to tell him that he’s the problem so I give the lame excuse that someone in my family is close to dying, which is actually true. I also get mad when my parents drag me to social places that I don’t want to go to. I then go in the corner pondering over various things while they are socializing having “fun.” My nickname people have given me is the “Furious Teddy Bear” because most of the time you will see the “Teddy” part but if you awaken the “Bear”…let’s just say it’s not very pretty. The bear in me is hibernating and when you bother “him,” he leaves to a new spot hoping that you won’t bother him again but if you continually do so then it kind of gets bad. That’s why people have told me that my patience (which I guess it’s not really patience) is one of my strengths. That’s the story behind it!
It was great to see your dad answer you and give you encouragement!!!! Prayer always seems to help when I’m in a bad mood that I just pick on everything I am. It’s kind of like a Gollum (LOTR) side that tells me evil thoughts. I just pray and quickly go into a room that isn’t noisy. Then I really look at myself and within a minute usually I realize, “I’m not that bad.” Maybe I’m not the most attractive guy out there when I don’t shave or comb my hair, but I’m not fat or undesirable, which is what I’m sure you realize. In fact, I love taunting that bad depressing side of me. I then look in the mirror and with one hand, lift weights and the other eat some dessert.
So yeah, prayer can defeat any enemy – even the devil and demons hate it when we pray. I think prayer was Jesus’s way of telling us that we can cast out demons that are bothering or in us. I believe depression is actually a demon.
I’m so glad you shared this with me! 100% spot on!!