I feel as though I still don’t know Bryan.
Once upon a time, he claimed that I have walls up – that I peek over the top of my curtain but never part the curtain for anyone else. I’m discovering I’m not the only one in this relationship with walls up.
Bryan and I do life together – we have done yard work and grocery shopping and traveled together and go to bible study together – but we are missing a soul-deep connection. Usually if I look into a person’s eyes, I can see to their soul. But Bryan is guarded. He has closed the shutters of his eyes that would be the window to his soul if he should ever choose to let anyone in.
I asked him the other day, as casually as one can ask such a question, “Do you ever let anyone in? Is there anyone in your life who really knows you?”
He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. And he shrugged (of course). One of his best friends said, “Bryan’s response to everything in life is a shrug.” Is he passionless as well?
Bryan replied to my probing, “My mom knows me. Russ knows me. And Toby…”
Interestingly, Toby is the best friend who told me that, close as they appear to be, he doesn’t feel like he really knows Bryan. So for Toby to be one of the three people Bryan listed as “knowing him” speaks volumes.
Does Bryan have a fear of emotional intimacy? Of vulnerability? If so, why? Or if not, is he not self-reflective enough to have any depth of feeling or emotion? Does he stay too busy to identify the emotions he has buried? Is he so determined to be “happy” (because he definitely is determined to be happy) that he maintains a superficiality in relationships, all the while masquerading as a relational person who values deep connection?