ACAscuse me?

Screen Shot 2016-07-21 at 11.02.54 PMI called my mom crying after work on Tuesday. It had been a hard day, and my insecurities were running high.

“Hard day” is of course relative, and I tried to pep talk myself that I really am blessed; I have a good life, and my day wasn’t that bad, all things considered. Then I beat myself up for not being more grateful, which of course made me feel all the worse about myself. I found myself in a vicious cycle of feeling awful about my life circumstances and then feeling guilty for feeling awful.

Head in HandsThe basic gist of my hurt and frustration was that I didn’t feel valued in any arena of my life. I have felt unappreciated at work for years, so that is something I have come to expect. But Seth said some things this week that made me feel unvalued by him, and that was a new and unexpected sting of hurt. I volunteer with a lot of organizations outside of work to ensure that I am adding some semblance of value to society (since that’s nearly impossible to do at my workplace), but lately – in addition to my occupational and relational hurts – I recently started feeling disrespected and manipulated by some of the officers in my a cappella group.

AuditionsI constantly go above and beyond expectations for this group, arranging music, quietly paying cover charges for open mic nights, finding and booking videographers for performances, creating T-shirts and banners and flyers… I do so much that goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Not only that, but my voice has been picked on lately – something that had always been a source of confidence for me. Singing is something that I do for fun – because it normally brings me joy! – but instead I found myself feeling more beaten up than ever.

So when I called my mom on Tuesday after work, crying about how I felt unvalued in all these areas of my life – at work, by Seth, and by my vocal group – she reminded me that she and my dad love me and hold me in high esteem. “You have to say that,” I sniffed through my tears. “You’re my mom.”

She patiently reminded me that God loves me and values me, and then she told me that she would be praying God would give me a little reminder that very week – a reminder that God is on my side and that I am valued by Him and by the people around me, even if they don’t express it all the time.

That night, I went to choir rehearsal and was shocked to get the solo for our Adele mashup. I was feeling so beaten down that I almost didn’t audition, but of the four auditionees, our group voted for me and affirmed my singing ability – something God knew I needed this week.

This morning, I got an unexpected voicemail from Seth that said simply: “Hey, have I told you yet today that I like you a lot? Well I do. And I just wanted to call and tell you that.” I put down the phone in bewilderment, feeling surprised and pleased.

I was amazed at how quickly God answered my mom’s prayers for encouragement in my life. God is such a good Father, and He loves to give good gifts to His children! Things don’t always go as we hope or expect (or even understand), but in the times where God is so obviously lavish in His blessings, I want to take notice and remember that faithfulness for those seasons where He does not seem present. God knew I was at the end of my rope and needed a lifeline to keep me trudging through this week. And He delivered!

Now I’m just waiting on some sort of affirmation from my workplace… But I’m not holding my breath.

Authentically Aurora

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8 thoughts on “ACAscuse me?

  1. We have a God who delivers… that’s great! I think all of us go through times when one person says or does something mean, two other people seem not to notice us, and soon we feel as though the entire universe is against us. At those times it’s good to have someone like your mom to help us reset our perspective. You are a special and valuable person, no matter who says otherwise… or doesn’t bother to say anything at all. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, J. Ideally we wouldn’t need the approval and affirmation of those around us; knowing God is for us would be enough. But we were also created for community and fellowship. Just yesterday at church, our sermon was on Hebrews 10:23-25 – how part of the role of the church is to exhort and encourage one another, spurring one another on to love and good deeds. When such encouragement is missing, it’s hard to keep fighting the good fight alone!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That is such a huge thing for me. It must be my love language, because I love feeling appreciated, and when I’m not I always feel slighted like you. When it comes to times like that, I always turn to God because I know He appreciated me. And just so you know I appreciate you and all the hard work you do, on the blog, with you singing and especially all the things you’ve done for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bitter Ben’s Love Language? Words of Affirmation.
      Noted.

      Thanks for always encouraging me. You are my virtual twin (double entendre intended). Never before have I found someone so much like me in their strong introversion coupled with a love and talent for communication/performing. Or someone who simultaneously loves people and has great disdain for/annoyance with people. Or someone who is a devout believer who is also bitter/cynical about the state of the world (i.e. humanity). The most hopeless of romantics and
      bitterest of cynics? That is us.

      You are like me, and therefore you are awesome. 😉

      Like

      • Isn’t that what everyone is always looking for? Someone just like them so they can adore the person in the mirror? It’s funny how many dichotomy’s we have huh? I guess that is why so few people understand us. And why we gotta stick together.

        Liked by 1 person

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