Becoming Our Caricatures

EverythingIsOffensive

You know that feeling where you really dislike someone, so everything they do – annoying or not – feels annoying to you? Or that person you really think is stupid, so with everything they do, you see it through that lens of anticipated stupidity?

It’s easy to create caricatures of people and then treat them accordingly. And so often when we do that – if we have enough influence over their lives and enough time passes – people eventually evolve or devolve into the caricatures we’ve created.

Have you ever heard the story of the Eight Cow Wife? It’s a poignant story about a woman who was deemed unattractive and undesirable until a man who loved her paid an extravagant dowry for her: eight cows – an unthinkable amount in their society. Knowing that she was so highly valued, the way she thought about herself began to change. She carried herself differently, behaved differently and eventually became externally as beautiful and lovely as she was perceived by the one who loved her. She was transformed from the inside out by the one who loved her; the way she saw herself changed because of the way he saw her. 

When I was a child, my parents gave me a lot of responsibility, believing that I would rise to the occasion. Being entrusted with responsibility developed me into a responsible young woman. My parents’ actions communicating their belief in my capacity and dependability made me believe I was such a woman, and it inspired me to behave accordingly.

But the opposite also holds true. Regardless of the perception – positive or negative – over time, it tends to become the reality.

I have been at the same job for 18 months. There is not much responsibility in my job. Basically when a software package or other IT service line is going “end of life”, I either issue a termination notice, negotiate an extension/upgrade or negotiate a migration to another solution. Every time this needs to be done, my job is simple: I get approvals from Finance, approvals from our Technical team, get approvals from the Board, and send all of those – plus the renegotiated agreement – to a guy named Kevin who processes the agreement for signatures and execution.

Not only do I have essentially no responsibility, but also my job requires no independent thought or creative thinking. Still further, my boss constantly beats me down and repeatedly communicates her belief in my utter incompetence. Just this morning on a team call, Kevin told our boss that he was still waiting on a Finance approval from me – that I was the bottleneck keeping one of our service updates from getting approved. I immediately jumped in, “No, Kevin, I sent you Finance approval on August 9th and then again on the 15th when you said you couldn’t find the first email. Check your inbox.”

Instead of hearing that Kevin was in the wrong, our boss automatically assumed I was the one at fault. After all, I am the completely incompetent one who is incapable of adding any value to the team (a paraphrasing of her words at my midyear review). She verbally lunged at me, “Aurora, Kevin is not the one who provides Finance approval. You are supposed to get approval from the Finance team and then send it to Kevin to process.”

“Yes, I know.” That is the job I have been doing – my only real responsibility – for the past 18 months. I was absolutely infuriated by her condescension. How could she think I didn’t know that?

“I got approval from both Sharon and Bob – ” (our finance focal points) ” – and sent those to Kevin twice already.”

“Oh,” was her response. No apology. No condescension or disapproval toward Kevin. All she said was, “Kevin, please process.” And then we moved on to the next topic.

I am trying so hard not to become the caricature my boss has created of me, but it’s hard to stay intrinsically motivated. I find myself coming in late, leaving early, and no longer even bothering to try to excel at my work. The status quo has become enough for me because: why bother? I will never change her view of me.

I’ve never been a status quo girl. I have always been a high achiever – Straight A student, President of my Girl Scout Troop and Captain of my Soccer Team. In college I was repeatedly on the Dean’s List in engineering and, on the side, got my EMT certification just for fun. Post college I took my songwriting to the next level by releasing an original album on iTunes. These days, I keep a full schedule teaching Sunday School, arranging music for my a Capella group, babysitting foster kids and volunteering at a weekend farmers’ market that fights human trafficking.

I want to keep my passion alive. I want to keep striving to be impactful, make a difference, and be a self-motivated achiever. I have packed a lot of living into my twenty-nine years, and I like that I have been historically ambitious. I don’t want that to stop just because I feel trapped in an unfulfilling, demotivating job where my boss does not believe me capable of adding any value. But it gets harder every day not to succumb to becoming the caricature she has created of me. Why bother? Nothing seems to be changing, no matter how much I pray or how hard I try. 

Authentically Aurora

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11 thoughts on “Becoming Our Caricatures

  1. What a frustrating situation. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to work under someone who constantly belittles you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers and I hope something better will open up for you.

    I know this may not be much comfort, and I’m sure you already know this, but your value is not based on anyone’s opinion of you. You are unique. interesting, funny, engaging, hardworking and so many other positive things. You have so much to offer those who are blessed to know you. I hope your week gets better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Ally. Sometimes it helps to re-hear things we already know to be true. The best of friends sing the song of our hearts to us when we have forgotten the words. ❤ Thanks for the encouragement! I always enjoy reading your posts and realizing just how similar we are. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang in there, I have been there before. My only solution was to eventually change jobs, my heart wasn’t in it anymore. My job change occurred because my position was cut to half time, and I needed full time. Otherwise I would have pushed to stick it out. I would figure out what is a reasonable length of time to stay, for resume purposes, and start looking at what you need to move up or move on.

    Wanting to challenge yourself and grow professionally is a very legitimate reason for looking for a new position.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, M, for the comment and encouragement! It’s nice to know there are others out there who have experienced the same kind of thing and ended up finding a job situation that worked out. I’m actually looking into getting my teaching certification, which would be a huge change from what I’m doing now! But I think it may be a good fit for the way I’m wired and what I am looking for in a job these days. Do you like the job you have now?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I actually do like my job, and they liked me enough that I got a promotion (been here over five years, so it was either that or me looking for a job with a little more pay and a bit of an extra challenge).

        I kind of fell into my profession and learned over time that I loved it, but the people I work with really impact my enjoyment of work a great deal. I have a supervisor who isn’t always the best manager (which can be a little frustrating, with the lack of organization), but she is a wonderful person. Having been in an abusive employment situation, I can handle some frustration in exchange for a really wonderful work environment. 🙂

        Teaching is a wonderful calling! I hope you find the right place where you will feel fulfilled. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve got this, Aurora! You are bigger than your supervisor’s image of you, and you can do quality work whether or not she notices or cares. I know the day-by-day part is tough, but the Lord will carry you through this too.
    I know what you mean about caricatures becoming reality. I’ve seen it happen to many celebrities over the years. Some fight to maintain their identity; others just go with the flow. Moreover, I wonder how much Mrs. Dim is a bitter old lady because her neighbors see her as a bitter old lady.
    But back to you. You remain in my prayers, and I am confident that good things are coming your way. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, J. “I wonder how much Mrs. Dim is a bitter old lady because her neighbors see her as a bitter old lady.” A worthwhile musing. So often, it’s easier to just become what people already believe we are rather than continually fighting their incorrect perception of us.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Hard But Good | Authentically Aurora

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