Come As You Are

Things have not been great with Seth lately. We’ve hit that six month mile marker where the messiness of life starts to creep into the relationship – sickness and time apart and stressors at work and all manner of things – and we are each having to make the determination of whether we believe this relationship is worth fighting for or not.

peachy-pink-1It was a scary weekend of realizing how much power Seth has to hurt me now. We’ve spent a lot of time together investing in this relationship, and at this stage, it’s either going to result in marriage or a painful breakup.

As a result, I spent a lot of time alone this weekend, reflecting and praying. I really want – really need – to ensure I keep God as my First Love. I want to ensure I maintain that my identity is in the fact that I am a daughter of the King… and not that I am a girlfriend of Seth.

On Saturday, we went to a fall festival where we went through a corn maze and got to pick some homegrown flowers. My favorites were beautiful peachy-pink chrysanthemums, and Seth helped me fill a vase with them back at my apartment. And then we fought. And fought. And fought some more.

peachy-pink-2I thought we were okay on Sunday at church until Seth made a passive-aggressive comment after the service. I went home and cried most of the afternoon. But when I left my apartment in the evening to meet some friends, I turned on some music and heard David Crowder singing “Come As You Are“. Then I turned the corner out of my parking garage, and the sky opened up before me.

My eyes welled with tears. Bright pink and orange hues lit up the sky, and I felt God speak to my heart, “This is for you. Peachy-pink. Your favorite.”

The chorus of the song picked up, and I sang along in a broken voice:

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

Just hours before, I’d written in my journal: “God, please woo me to yourself. I want you to be my First Love.” Sometimes the Lover of our Souls is quick to respond. He delights to heal the brokenhearted, turn ashes to beauty and give good gifts to his children.

Authentically Aurora

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10 thoughts on “Come As You Are

  1. Aurora, I’m so sorry to hear all this. Ughh. It really sucks when you get to that point in a relationship and things aren’t figured out yet. It sounds like it is kind of a make it or break it point. But you are so right. You have to put God first or nothing will ever feel right. It’s just so nice that you recognize His hands in everything, even little things like the sunset.

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    • Thanks, Ben. Fortunately, I’ve gotten some good quality time sitting and praying with God, AND Seth and I have worked through a lot in the past week (“I’m Sorry” cookies work wonders for a relationship).

      We watched football together on Saturday, made chili together last night and are about to leave for a California trip together. With every big trip I’ve taken with a boyfriend, we either broke up (i.e. Bryan) or got engaged (i.e. my ex) right after. This is my first big trip with Seth, so I think if things go well on the trip, we’re going to make it!

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      • That is good to hear. And I love that you are working things out. That is a big part of a relationship. And remember things that feel big at the time are but just blips later. I remember when me and my wife were dating, we got in a spat about which direction we were taking on a road. She got mad at me for taking a road that may or may not have been a couple of feet difference and I was like, “What?” and we got in an argument about it. I remember thinking it was so huge at the time, but in the end, it was just a stupid thing that didn’t matter in the end. Just make sure he is fundamentally a person that you would want to spend your life with. Have fun on your big trip!

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        • Hey Ben. Seth and I just got back from California, and I wanted to fill you in. We had an amazing first few days, soaking up the sun on the beaches of Malibu and then hiking mountains in the Angeles National Forest. We laughed a lot and made some great memories.

          Then we went to the wedding of Seth’s friend – the whole reason we were there. And there were people. Lots of people. Strange people I didn’t know. And I was forced to make small talk with them. Not for one hour, or two, or four… for SEVEN HOURS. And then Seth and I had a spat because I got grumpy near the end of the evening – you know, around 11PM after seven hours of making small talk with strangers.

          He doesn’t understand why people are draining to me. Or why I can’t just buck up and put on a good face around hour six or seven when I want to die. And I don’t understand how he can’t understand. So we’re talking about breaking up – not because we don’t want to be together, but because he thinks we may be fundamentally too different. And I am sad.

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        • Ohh, Aurora. I’m so sorry. I’m tired of you being sad. Why can’t someone wonderful understand you so well that they completely understand why you need to not talk to people for hours and hours. I’m getting kind of frustrated for why you can’t seem to find someone who is so completely head over heals with you, that they can’t stand making you sad. And know when to let you get away from the social sitch. Just know that I’m sad with you. On a positive note, the Lord must have someone really special in mind for you.

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