Bachelor Bash – Week 1

The BachelorAllow me to preface this post by openly stating that I never had any intention of (or even inclination that I would ever consider) posting about “The Bachelor”.

However, since the roots of this particular blog are Dating and Humor (just have a look at my Tag Cloud to the right), I suppose it makes sense that my blogging could eventually intersect with this ridiculously horrible, sadly laughable fiasco of a show that simultaneously inspires, disgusts and amuses its viewers. Okay, mostly disgusts and amuses.

In any case, my friend Melanie invited me to this season’s session of recurring Girls’ Nights to gather with other women and marvel at the lengths girls will go to find “true love.” As a rather jaded former Disney-princess-at-heart, I have decided to join in the festivities for the purposes of:

  1. Engaging in fellowship with my girlfriends
  2. Conducting an informal study of female psychology
  3. Totally dominating our group’s Bachelor Bracket
  4. Gathering easy fodder for hilarious blog posts

In preparation for tonight’s season premiere, I did a bit of research on the contenders and, to my surprise, found that I have already begun to experience that rare combination of emotions elicited only by horrible reality TV shows: simultaneous disgust & amusement. For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

JordanJordan: The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is jumping “off the back of a boat bar naked in the British Virgin Islands”, and if she wanted to impress a man, she’d “give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.”

Oh, Jordan. Please develop some self-respect and realize that you attract the kind of men you cater to. If you want a man to treat you like you’re nothing more than sex on a stick, keep doing what you’re doing, kiddo. You’re on a roll.

NicoleNicole: If she could be a fictional character, she would be Jessica Rabbit because “she is so unapologetically sexy with natural sex appeal”, and if Nicole were an animal, she would be a wolf because they are “magical and bad-ass creatures”.

Okay, when I look at you, Nicole, I’m not getting “sexy” and “bad-ass”. Or, by the way, someone who wants to “jump in the sack”. Are we compensating a bit here?

NikkiNikki: Her occupation is listed as “Former NFL Cheerleader.”

So Nikki, what you’re trying to tell us is… you’re unemployed? Living in the past? Looking for a sugar daddy? Trying to keep the glory days alive as long as possible?

TaraTara: She can’t live without whiskey, loves it when her date “opens the truck door” (I guess she only dates country boys?), views marriage as merely “legal documentation” of commitment, and her occupation is a “Sport Fishing Enthusiast.”

Can your occupation be “an enthusiast”? I mean, I’m an ice cream enthusiast. Can I get paid for that? Because that sounds sweet. Literally and figuratively.

*Sigh. All right, Bachelor Chris. It’s now Open Season on thirty needy, desperate, insecure bachelorettes. This should be interesting. And by interesting, I of course mean simultaneously disgusting and amusing.

Authentically Aurora

Quote/photo source: http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor 

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Finding Flynn – Part I

I went on a camping trip this past weekend. The weather was perfect – 60s and 70s – and I went almost exclusively with complete strangers, which was also perfect (strangers have no expectations about who I am or how I should act, so I often – especially of late – feel freer to be myself with strangers than friends).

I ran into an old acquaintance at a ministry banquet last week, and he invited me to his church’s camping trip for their “Singles” Sunday school class. As a part of my self-imposed goal to attend at least one social event per week, I agreed to go. So on Friday I was assigned to a carpool group, showed up at the agreed-upon apartment at the agreed-upon time of 5:30 pm and was still standing in the parking lot at 6:30 pm (a display of the typical lack of punctuality demonstrated by singles of “Generation Me”). Nevertheless, we had an enjoyable drive into the countryside as I exchanged witty banter with the two nerds I found myself wedged between in the back seat of an ancient Toyota Corolla (and I use the term “nerds” affectionately).

Our carpool group eventually made it out to the campsite around 8:30 pm and found the rest of our group already gathered around a roaring campfire. Insight into my brain: I wish I didn’t do this, but if I’m honest with myself, in my singleness I tend to scan new groups of people for their most eligible bachelor. In this instance, he wasn’t hard to find.

Angular features highlighted by the flickering fire, his defined jawline was rimmed with a dark five o’clock shadow. His waterfall haircut grazed his forehead as he spoke with animation, and he radiated an aura of leadership. As conversaion progressed, I discovered that he was the group’s bible study leader and had a playful demeanor with a dry sense of humor.

Flynn RiderHe reminded me a lot of Flynn Rider, the male protagonist in “Tangled” and my favorite Disney prince. Flynn is a dashing, swashbuckling hero with a sense of adventure and flair for the sarcastic. Not everyone agrees with me, but I peg Flynn for an ENFP. For those of you not familiar with Myers Briggs, the ENFP is an extroverted, intuitive personality type who likes flexibility and makes decisions based on gut feelings or emotions. I personally am an INTJ. That means that I recharge by being alone, am intuitive, enjoy structure and am a rational decision maker.

The ENFP/INTJ combination is said to be one of the most perfect personality matches from a romantic standpoint. Some of the most legendary love stories are between an ENFP and INTJ because the playfulness of the ENFP balances the intensity of the INTJ. Think Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy of “Pride and Prejudice.” Epic.

In addition to being a ridiculously attractive leader of men, my real life Flynn is also a 34-year-old mechanical engineer and former Army Ranger who plays acoustic guitar. At first glance, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Unfortunately, just as I asked myself, “Is this guy for real?”, I discovered that yes, he is, but so was the young, curly haired girl who pranced out of her tent, plopped down in his lap and wrapped her arms possessively around his neck.

Figures.

Authentically Aurora

Speed Dating Rock Star

Surrounded by Guys at Bar

Apparently I am a Speed Dating ROCK STAR.

This past weekend, I was introduced to no less than fourteen questionably eligible bachelors, and when I received my feedback form three days later, guess how many indicated that they wanted to see me again?

You got it. All fourteen.

How is it that, at the office, I get the feedback that I need to work on playing nicely with the other children in the sandbox, but when I go to an event where I have to woo complete strangers, I manage to win over every single one? Then again, maybe these guys were just desperate to find a practice english conversation partner. Or maybe my ridiculously good looks carry more weight at speed dating than in Corporate America. Or both.

Regardless, the important fact is that one of those fourteen interested gentlemen was Victor the Filipino physician with the winning smile and fabulous personality! And he just might have contacted me immediately upon receiving our matches’ contact information. And perhaps asked me on a date. And last night we might have gone to a fancy wine dive and engaged in sparkling conversation over foie gras. After all, there were no Frenchmen represented at our ‘Round the World speed dating!

Authentically Aurora