Zingers

Work break room

I just had this conversation in the break room at work. Commence scene. 

[Aurora walks into the kitchen and throws away a bag of trash.]

Male Coworker 1 [dryly]: Thank you for contributing to our landfill.

Aurora [cheerfully]: You’re welcome. That’s what I do best! [points both pointer fingers at Male Coworker 1 with a snarky grin] After all, you know what I’m full of!

[Brief pause, while Aurora starts walking away and Male Coworker 1/Female Coworker 1 process]

Female Coworker 1 [laughing]: Wow! That was amazing!

[Aurora turns, pausing her exit]

Female Coworker 1 [surprised and pleased]: What a great delivery. That was hilarious! You timed it perfectly.

Aurora [grinning]: Thanks. I secretly want to be a stand-up comedian, but somehow that skill set just doesn’t come into play here at the office. [Pause, thinking] Actually, working here sometimes IS a bit like being a comedian.

Male Coworker 1 [drumming fingers on tabletop in rhythm of drum set]: Bah-dah, chhh!

Female Coworker 1 [enthusiastically]: And she does it again! Two zingers in the course of [she checks her watch] thirty seconds!

[Sounds of appreciative clapping as Aurora exits the kitchen area]

And my boss doesn’t think I have relationship skills. Psh. I may be introverted, but I’m a social introvert who knows how to skate by on wit, charm and charisma!  

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 2

We’re only two weeks in, and already Bachelor Chris and his harem contestants have given us countless cringe-worthy quotes, producing simultaneous amusement and disgust in viewers everywhere. Here are the Top 10 Bachelor quotes so far this season!

#10 – Ashley S. [creepily hunched over a pomegranate]: “I feel so powerful right now.”

Ashley S Onion

#9 – Jordan: “Jillian has the hairiest butt I’ve ever seen. It’s hairier than some of my ex-boyfriends’.”

Jordan hairy

#8 – Lacy (former Bachelorette): “We’re 80/40 on the [wedding] date.”

Lacy 80 40

#7 – Megan: “The butterflies in my stomach are just… colorful and smiling!”

Megan butterflies

#6 – Whitney: “Do y’all inseminate pigs on your farm? We kind of do the same thing! I’m a fertility nurse!”

Whitney insemination

#5 – Kaitlyn: “Sometimes when I tell a joke, it makes people laugh.”

Kaitlyn joke

#4 – Amber: “My heart literally pumps every time I see one of those little white envelopes.”

Amber literally

#3 – Bachelor Chris: “I wish I was a polygamist right now.”

Chris polygamist

#2 – Kaitlyn: “You can plow the **** out of my field any day.”

Kaitlyn plow

#1 – MacKenzie [to the virginal Ashley I.]: “Guys like taking your virginity… I’m so jealous. I can’t even use that because I have a kid.”

MacKenzie virgin

#facepalm. Just… #facepalm.

Authentically Aurora