Sleepy, not Grumpy

I used to walk around the office with a Resting B Face so that people would find me less approachable. There are few sufferings more torturous than listening to a coworker prattle on about their latest invoicing issue.

Then I got coaching that I needed to soften my Grumpy image. I went through a painful phase where I tried actually smiling at people, but I recently discovered an effective new tool in avoiding human interaction: Pretending to be Sleepy (and no, I don’t mean the dwarf, although that would probably be an effective tactic, too. I doubt anyone would willingly approach an adult wearing a Seven Dwarfs costume).

Putting on the non-Seven-Dwarfs costume of Sleepiness is a rather natural disguise to wear early in the morning. When you get into the elevator to go up to your office during the week, just close your eyes as though trying to catch a few more seconds of Zzzzs. Furrowing your brow just slightly will also cause any observers to believe that you had a rough night and just need some peace and quiet. Whether or not you’ve had a rough night, peace and quiet you will get.

Once you arrive at your desk, ensure to move very slowly and methodically, putting down your bags and settling into your chair. Keep your eyelids droopy and your expression placid. Repeating this routine for a few weeks will allow coworkers to think you’re not a morning person. This is a winning strategy for those of us who actually are morning people but just don’t like to share our morning quiet time with other human beings.

When you are walking the hallways to the bathroom or kitchen area, you will inevitably encounter coworkers who will want to talk to you (or talk AT you… about their kids, their gardening, their weekend, the latest football game, etc). Keep that dull expression on your face and blink lazily every few seconds.

When they very predictably ask if you’re alright, inform them that you haven’t had your coffee yet. Whether or not you are a coffee drinker, this magical statement pulls at the heartstrings of everyone in corporate America and will earn you a knowing nod as well as the pleasure of seeing your coworker walk away.

As the day moves into the afternoon, substitute your “sleepy” look for a more “tired” look. When forced into conversation, make comments like, “It’s been a long day.” Exude low energy and no one will want to be around you.

Ladies, this is the moment to try pulling off that “grunge look.” It’s the totally fashion forward way to ensure that everyone leaves you alone. Succeed in your K.Stew impersonation, and peace and quiet will finally be yours.

Authentically Aurora

Misunderstood

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

That sounds so emo as I type it out, but I am so indescribably dead serious: I am freaking tired of being misunderstood. It’s exhausting to constantly have everyone around me simultaneously psychoanalyze and criticize me for character traits of mine that aren’t even accurate.

My ex-fiance used to say that I was too stoic and emotionless. I tried to explain that I’m not without emotion; actually I have very extreme, intense emotions that I keep below the surface because of their magnitude and intensity. But he wasn’t perceptive enough to see them. Sometimes I would pretend to talk in a robot voice, but instead of thinking it was funny, it would freak him out, and he would yell at me to stop because it was terrifying to him to think that he was with such an “emotionless” woman.

This week at work, I found out that I didn’t get the promotion I was approached about. The reason the hiring manager gave me over the phone was that I come off as “standoffish and holier than thou” (his exact words). He encouraged me to dwell on the meaning of the quote, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” I explained to him that the issue is not that I care too little, but that I care too much. He asked why, then, I am perceived as being so cold.

In the past year, I have had multiple suicidal coworkers call me in the middle of the night to be talked back from the ledge. Countless depressed coworkers have pulled me into a conference room during the work day to confide in me about their ongoing divorces or cheating boyfriends. Multiple lost, disoriented, confused friends have sought my wisdom and advice in hard situations. Complete strangers tell me their entire life story on a weekly basis. This week, it happened to be one of the Cavalry officers at my brother’s wedding. Do those strike you as recurring instances that would happen in the life of someone who is perceived as cold? Fuck no.

Stop freaking labeling me as cold, heartless, standoffish, arrogant… the list goes on. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not that I have no emotions. Actually, the opposite is true! Think of Bruce Banner, the seemingly stoic scientist whose anger transforms him into the Hulk. “That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.”

Think of Bella in Twilight. As portrayed by Kristen Stewart, she has a grand total of 1 facial expression. But underneath the surface, the reader is privy to a whole world of very extreme, very intense emotions ranging from single-minded infatuation to debilitating depression.

Probably my favorite is Kat in “10 Things I Hate About You.” Everyone thinks she is just a bitter, cynical, generally apathetic shrew, but in the end, we see that she had very strong, complex emotions that she protected from prying eyes behind a tough outer shell.

Just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t there. And just because YOU, Mr. Hiring Manager, have been told by your politicking cronies that I am cold and standoffish doesn’t mean that the rest of the office doesn’t see me for who I really am: a tenderhearted woman who has learned to share her softer side only with those trustworthy enough not to use her vulnerability as ammunition.

Authentically Aurora