Speed Dating Rock Star

Posted on September 24, 2014 by auroraroschen

Apparently I am a Speed Dating ROCK STAR.

This past weekend, I was introduced to no less than fourteen questionably eligible bachelors, and when I received my feedback form three days later, guess how many indicated that they wanted to see me again?

You got it. All fourteen.

How is it that, at the office, I get the feedback that I need to work on playing nicely with the other children in the sandbox, but when I go to an event where I have to woo complete strangers, I manage to win over every single one? Then again, maybe these guys were just desperate to find a practice english conversation partner. Or maybe my ridiculously good looks carry more weight at speed dating than in Corporate America. Or both.

Regardless, the important fact is that one of those fourteen interested gentlemen was Victor the Filipino physician with the winning smile and fabulous personality! And he just might have contacted me immediately upon receiving our matches’ contact information. And perhaps asked me on a date. And last night we might have gone to a fancy wine dive and engaged in sparkling conversation over foie gras. After all, there were no Frenchmen represented at our ‘Round the World speed dating!

Authentically Aurora

Match Madness – Part III

Posted on September 10, 2014 by auroraroschen

My online dating profile doesn’t always get matched with socially awkward, grammar challenged bums. Although Parts I & II of this comedic trilogy may have led my readers to that conclusion, allow me to debunk that misconception by showcasing some of the genuinely wonderful bachelors I have come across during my adventures in online dating.

First of all, there’s Blake. He’s an attractive, 6’1″, 30-year-old Finance Manager who loves working out and playing guitar. Just look at his awesome profile!

But then I came across the section that tells me about his smoking and drinking habits, along with his familial aspirations:

This is a non-negotiable for me. I would really love to be a mom someday, whether biologically or through adoption if my husband and I are unable to conceive. It’s true that Blake “might” want kids someday, but if he’s 30 years old and still on the fence, that tells me that he’s probably not the best daddy material, and I want a loving, engaged father for my future kiddos.

Then there’s Josh. He’s a good-looking, 28-year-old, 6″ tall dentist. Josh is self-described as a deep thinking Christian who is looking for a godly, independent woman with a penchant for sarcasm. Hmmm… could this be a more perfect fit?!

But then I noticed his location:

It’s pretty daunting to consider starting a relationship between two people who have never met and live 800 miles apart. So much of chemistry is determined through face-to-face interaction that Josh really seemed like a great catch who just isn’t meant for me.

Lastly, there’s Nate. He’s another 6″ tall 28-year-old, only he’s a Mechanical Engineer and, unlike Josh, he actually lives in the same city as me! I got really excited reading over his profile, and my best friend Ashley picked him out of all my matches as the one she envisions being most compatible with me:

I sent Nate a smile and waited for him to initiate the first series of get-to-know-you questions. But his questions never came. A week went by; then two, until finally:

I realized that an amazing man like Nate wouldn’t have stayed single for long. A lot of dating sites don’t close out their inactive members’ profiles, so I’m sure Nate found his lady love and is off enjoying his “best friend, [his] lover and the mother of [his] future children.”

I just wish she was me.

Authentically Aurora

Match Madness – Part II

Posted on September 8, 2014 by auroraroschen

As a continuation of Match Madness – Part 1, here are the Top 10 profile essays of men with whom I have personally been matched online.

I wonder if there’s an option for me to retake the personality assessment that this site is using for its compatibility algorithms…

#10:

Mental note made: Don’t touch the man’s head!

#9:

I’m sure there was supposed to be punctuation in there somewhere. This reminds me of “Let’s eat grandma: punctuation saves lives.” Fortunately, all that’s on the line here are a couple of DVDs.

#8:

Wow! You are very excited! And enthusiastic! Yay!!!

#7:

For those of you who don’t know what bio-hacking is (I didn’t, either; I looked it up), it’s basically self-mutilation. Gross. Where do they find these people?!

#6:

“There is to many.” If you don’t understand why this one made the list, please don’t read You Lost Me at “Your”.

#5:

…I see.

#4a:

High expectations.

#4b:

More outrageous expectations.

#3:

Yeah, you sound really passionate about people.

#2:

Um… [walks away]

#1:

Baby, if you’re expecting your wife to get you into heaven, you’ve got seriously unrealistic expectations about marriage.

Authentically Aurora

Match Madness – Part I

Posted on September 5, 2014 by auroraroschen

I pay good money for my online dating site to match me with compatible candidates with whom I could feasibly enter into a successful dating relationship. However, over the past month, instead of communicating with my matches, I have kept a continually refreshed Top 20 list of the most ridiculous profile pictures of men I have actually been matched with.

For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, may I present:

#20. Probably not your most flattering angle…

#19. Either lost and confused or a mouth-breather. No thanks.

#18. One does not simply… date someone twice your age.

#17. I can’t decide if this is hot or creepy.

#16. Ah, selfies.

#15. Is this supposed to be sexy? Flirtatious? Just plain weird?

#14. Why? Just… why? Do you not have any photos of yourself without a highlighter in your mouth?

#13. I always wanted to date the leprechaun version of Yosemite Sam.

#12. Are you golfing or getting ready for lift off?

#11. Oh dear. You are entirely too excitable.

#10. Is that supposed to attract me to you?

#9. Yes, your dentist does great work. Now please close your lips.

#8. I am really frightened right now.

#7. Nice hair, Fabio.

#6. Ah yes, I love the smell of limes in the morning.

#5. Oh, rednecks… there’s one in every bunch.

#4. Half of San Francisco would attack my blog with angry comments if I asked the obvious question about this one.

#3. Does he realize this is a dating site?

#2. So, when you say “girlfriend”, what you mean is getaway driver.

#1. I have no words.

Authentically Aurora

Clingy is for Saran Wrap

Posted on August 24, 2014 by auroraroschen

When I was in elementary school, there was a kid nicknamed Spring Butt because he was so overeager that he would jump out of his seat with such nauseating enthusiasm, it appeared he had a spring affixed to his trousers. Although the original Spring Butt is long since married off, it seems that my online dating site recently matched me with a version of his full-fledged, adult form.

Mike initially looked like a good match. Reading over his profile, I found out that he is a smart, successful engineer who has a heart to serve those in need. He looked attractive in his photos and stated that he was a non-smoker who didn’t have any children but would like them someday. However, elsewhere in his profile, Mike described how much he loves spending time with his daughter. This particular site matches people based on preferences like religion and salary, so I figured that Mike had a daughter but selected “I don’t have kids” so that he wouldn’t miss out on potential matches who felt it was a deal breaker for them.

Much to my chagrin, Mike sent me a message expressing interest. Being a woman who values integrity, I decided to spurn his affections by calling him out on the conflicting messages in his profile regarding his daughter. Within an hour, I had a response back from Mike:

And then a few hours later, he added:

My brother lives on the other side of the country and came into town unexpectedly that weekend, and I don’t normally check my online dating profile every day anyway, so I was a bit peeved when, less than 36 hours later, I had another message from Mike:

If I could overlook his indiscretion at trying to conceal his daughter, I still would take issue with his needy, desperate communication style, so I let him know that I didn’t think we would work out in a romantic relationship. Instead of accepting my decision, he tried to change my mind by writing:

Exacerbated, I decided I was finished responding to Mike, but he was not finished with me. He wrote again the next afternoon:

And within another couple of hours, I had yet another message:

Hoping to cease communication once and for all, I replied and told Mike that I took less issue with his daughter than the fact that I was overwhelmed by the amount of communication I had been receiving from him. “I need to be with someone who can be still and patient,” I wrote. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received two more messages over the next couple of days: