Bo ≠ Beau

Dancing is a great way to build relationship skills. Men learn to lead, women learn to follow, people learn to work together and build confidence as they are set free to express themselves, uninhibited by fears about the opinions of others.

In college, I spent most Thursday nights at a swing dancing society on campus, learning to dance East Coast Swing, Charleston and Lindy Hop. We had good, clean fun together, and it was there on the dance floor that I grew in my extroversion and discovered my love for encouraging others.

I occasionally visit a swing dancing studio in the city where I live now, but I don’t go as often as I would like because it’s not as fun to go without a partner. So today on Facebook when I saw that Bo – who just returned from a motorcycling trip around Patagonia – had decided to attend a swing dancing workshop on Saturday, I “liked” his RSVP.

Within a few minutes, Bo sent me a text message: “Are you an experienced swing dancer?”

I smiled in surprise. I hadn’t expected him to send me a message! Maybe he was looking for a dance partner. “I am! Are you?”

“Not at all,” he wrote back, “But it’s one of my 30-before-30 goals.”

“I love that you have a list like that… and that swing dancing made the cut!”

“Have you been to this dance studio before for stuff?” he asked me.

I told Bo that I had, and I explained a few of the class options to him. I wanted to be helpful but also not seem too experienced, because I figured that could be intimidating. And intimidating men is my downfall in dating. Not that I’m trying to date Bo, I told myself. I’m really, really trying not to date this year. Even though Bo is a smart, attractive, kind, athletic, adventurous, confident, godly man.

After I had explained the class structure – and coached myself to stop thinking about dating Bo – he sent me a text message back that made my heart sink: “A friend and I are both looking to learn. She’s interested in Lindy Hop, but I think I need more basics. Though the ultimate goal is to flip her in the air!”

I gave a tight smile as I moved my thumbs to type my response into my phone. “Lindy is my personal favorite, but you’re right; you probably need to learn East Coast first. That will be a fun thing for y’all to do together.”

No reply.

He got what he needed from me.

Now he’s off to dance with someone else.

When I asked God to protect me from myself this year in regards to dating, I only partly wished He would answer. There He goes being all faithful and stuff. [Sigh]

Authentically Aurora

Dierks for Christmas

Forget Flynn and Bryan.

Today I saw the music video for Dierks Bentley’s new single “Say You Do.”

How was I unaware of this gorgeous man in all his raw masculinity until this week?!

Let’s just say… all I want for Christmas is Dierks Bentley.

Authentically Aurora

Wanted: Date or Apology

When Flynn and I had lunch a few weeks back, I didn’t initially post about it because our conversation was too close to my heart to share publicly. It was too precious a memory to display online for all to see.

But I’m ready now.

After bumping into each other once in the parking garage and twice in the cafeteria, Flynn and I had agreed to meet for lunch the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Going into that lunch, I tried to keep my expectations low. I kept telling myself, “Flynn is a coworker. A friend. Nothing more. He has a girlfriend. Sure, we have ridiculous personality chemistry and forged an immediate bond, but nothing can happen. This is just a friendly lunch between coworkers.”

We rendezvoused in the office cafeteria that Tuesday, and my face lit up the instant I saw Flynn striding toward me. I can’t help but smile when I see him. He has an aura of charisma and playfulness that makes my heart feel light. He hugged me hello, and then we each got our meals – a salad for me and sushi for Flynn. He tends to sit in the same place every day (a fact I’d noticed over the preceding weeks), so we settled into his usual place.

We talked about lots of things – work and church and family and friends – and we were both grinning like fools the entire time. Flynn is hilarious. He makes me laugh out loud constantly. And he makes me happy. But every time I started to drift up toward Cloud Nine, I reminded myself to keep my heart in check. He’s spoken for.

After hearing about yet another one of my hobbies partway through lunch, Flynn said with mock exasperation, “Is there anything you don’t do?!” I laughed and told him I’m a pretty terrible swimmer. “But I do great photography, so if you’re going to be in the need for engagement portraits any time soon…” I raised my eyebrows expectantly.

His mood instantly changed. His roguish grin faded, and his twinkling eyes looked down at the table. “Yeah… I wanted to talk to you about that today…” his voice trailed off. He looked up at me then, searching my eyes as he said, “I’ve been meaning to break up with Patricia for a while. Before I even met you, in fact. The weekend before our camping trip, I was going to end things, but I got into a motorcycle wreck and ended up in the hospital.” So that was the reason for his knee surgery. I hadn’t realized he’d gotten into a wreck.

“She stayed by my side the whole time,” he continued, “And I felt like I couldn’t end it then.  And now it’s getting into the holiday season, and I just… I know it will crush her. I know I need to do it, but the timing never seems to be right.”

I listened quietly, letting him share as much or as little as he wanted. I tried to keep my face neutral, but on the inside I was simultaneously flooded with joy for myself and compassion for Patricia. I’ve had my heart broken so many times. Devastatingly broken. And she’s clearly expecting a ring for Christmas. Instead, she’s going to get heartache.

After he finished telling me about Patricia, the twinkle returned to Flynn’s eye, and he teased me, “And why aren’t you dating anyone? You’re quite the catch!”

It was my turn to be somber. I looked thoughtful for a moment; then said, “I’ve found that I tend to intimidate most guys. Everyone wants to take me on a date to try to solve the mystery, but once they get to know me, they get overwhelmed and – in their own words – don’t feel ‘man enough’ to lead me. I’m supposedly ‘too much’ for most guys.”

Flynn raised one eyebrow at me. “I know what kind of man you need. You need a strong alpha male to lead you.” He paused; then continued, “I could be the kind of man you need.”

Woah. I was completely taken aback at his boldness. So much so that I started giggling nervously and blushing profusely. Then he started blushing! He fanned himself comically. “Whew, did it suddenly get hot in here?” We laughed, both embarrassed; then Flynn chucked and said, “Let’s hit the pause button on that conversation for a week or so until it’s appropriate for us to be talking about such things.” I wholeheartedly agreed.

We ended the lunch, and I fully expected to hear from Flynn the next week. Or the week following. But he has ceased all communication with me, despite having both my phone number and instant messaging capability at work. I know it would be inappropriate for us to talk while he’s still with Patricia, but shouldn’t he have broken up with her by now?

This week I finally reactivated my dormant Facebook account to have a look and discovered they’re still dating. Our lunch was three weeks ago. And he’s been meaning to break up with her for nearly two months. I am disappointed… and know better than to keep waiting.

Authentically Aurora

Stability or Adventure

Last night, Bryan left his pickup truck at home and picked me up in his Aston Martin instead. Apparently his third vehicle is a motorcycle. I haven’t seen that one yet.

I’m still trying to figure Bryan out.

He is a 36-year-old electrical engineer who is getting ready to retire. He has spent the last decade traveling the world as an engineering consultant and project manager. He’s lived in London, Paris, Nigeria, South Korea, Qatar, Iran and multiple states across the US. The result? He speaks four languages, is worldly wise, and has had a lucrative enough career to retire before age 40.

Bryan sees every emotion that flashes across my face. He doesn’t think I’m stoic. When I told him that I am often perceived as having a stoic persona, he actually laughed out loud. I had to remind him that not everyone is as perceptive as he is.

In his retirement, Bryan plans to write memoirs of his international adventures, publish a photo book, do long-term mission work in Haiti and work on his golf game. Like me, Bryan gets bored easily, so he is always looking for his next adventure. It sounds like he’s never in the same place for long, which makes him a very interesting date and conversation partner, but perhaps not such a great husband or father of my children.

I still haven’t decided if I’m romantically interested in Bryan. He’s a good looking guy. He’s physically fit (just finished a Triathlon) and wealthy (retiring before age 40). We met at church, and he’s a godly man with strong family values and good work/life balance despite being so wildly successful in his career. He’s brilliant and perceptive and interesting and adventurous.

He ended his last text to me with Bisou, which is French for kiss. It is “a warmer, more playful, and more familiar version of bise. It can refer to a kiss on the cheek or on the lips, so may be used when talking to lovers and platonic friends.”

I think I need to ask myself two key questions:

1. Is our attraction purely intellectual, or is there more to it than that?
2. Do I want stability or adventure?

Authentically Aurora

From the Back of a Bike

The world is more beautiful from the back of a motorcycle.

This weekend, I visited my parents, and my dad took me for a ride on the back of his bike. With the wind in my face and the sun on my skin, colors seemed brighter and life seemed simpler. With my arms around my daddy, surrounded by a cocoon of white noise, people seemed kinder and more engaging.

That afternoon, I got a glimpse into the brotherhood of bikers. Every time we passed another motorcycle, a subtle acknowledgment took place between my dad and the other rider. I watched my dad nod to (and receive a nod in return from) everyone from salt-and-pepper-bearded grandpas to young bucks with long blonde hair and cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. There was a unity and unilateral respect that created in me a sense of peace and calm. All seemed right with the world.

Of course, then I dismounted and remembered that I was wearing my 6’1″ father’s Kevlar jeans rolled up five times and cinched tightly at the waist with an elastic belt, along with a plated leather jacket with sleeves that reached six inches past where my arms stopped. Okay, so maybe everyone else’s view wasn’t as idyllic as mine, but questionable wardrobe aside, it was a wonderful afternoon exploring another world with my daddy. In fact, it reminded me of another World with another Daddy, where another Brotherhood will live in perfect unity for all eternity.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”  -CS Lewis

Authentically Aurora

Nick the Strict – Part I

I don’t have a lot of requirements for the man I marry. There are just three non-negotiables for me: Godly, Attractive and Single. As my brother says, “Pick any two.”

But I recently discovered Nick, an online dating find, who I thought just may be all three. On our first date, we met for a casual coffee. Most guys take me out to dinner, but I was fine with a low-pressure coffee date. In fact, the laid-back environment was rather refreshing, despite the fact that Nick spent less than $6 on both our coffees combined (clearly we were not at Starbucks).

He grew up in Detroit and likes to work out, so Nick looks and sounds like a bad boy – big biceps, gangster accent, and he used to ride a motorcycle. But Nick is a bad-boy-gone-good, which in my opinion, is the best of all possible combinations. Every good girl kind of wants a bad boy, but… not really. Danger and intrigue? Yes. Heartache? No.

These days, Nick teaches sixth grade math, volunteers at his church, and plays with his two nieces in his spare time. He is good-looking and a natural leader with a big heart and great smile. We actually had a great conversation until the very end, when Nick felt it necessary to communicate his courtship plan to me. This courtship plan was very long and intricate, but some of the details I caught were:

1. We will never sit together on the same couch during the dating phase of our relationship.

2. The dating phase will last approximately six months, after which point Nick believes godly relationships move into a six month engagement period, so as to be married within one year’s time.

3. Having effectively completed our first sit down conversation, the next steps for us are to: a) do a fun activity together in a few days’ time, b) have another sit-down conversation in another couple of days after that, and c) take a week apart to fast and pray about the direction God is taking this relationship.

…I am struggling with what to write next, sort of like how I struggled with what words to say after Nick’s monologue on proper courtship. I really appreciate that he is trying to be a gentleman and do things the “right” way, but I have dated legalistic men before, and in my opinion, this approach it is over-the-top, contrived, and not necessarily glorifying to God despite all its good intentions. But I thought Nick had potential despite his strict dating guidelines (this coming from a girl who went 8 years without kissing anyone post high school), so I agreed to a second date (i.e. “fun activity”, per the courtship plan). To be continued!

Authentically Aurora