Match Madness – Part III

My online dating profile doesn’t always get matched with socially awkward, grammar challenged bums. Although Parts I & II of this comedic trilogy may have led my readers to that conclusion, allow me to debunk that misconception by showcasing some of the genuinely wonderful bachelors I have come across during my adventures in online dating.

First of all, there’s Blake. He’s an attractive, 6’1″, 30-year-old Finance Manager who loves working out and playing guitar. Just look at his awesome profile!

But then I came across the section that tells me about his smoking and drinking habits, along with his familial aspirations:

This is a non-negotiable for me. I would really love to be a mom someday, whether biologically or through adoption if my husband and I are unable to conceive. It’s true that Blake “might” want kids someday, but if he’s 30 years old and still on the fence, that tells me that he’s probably not the best daddy material, and I want a loving, engaged father for my future kiddos.

Then there’s Josh. He’s a good-looking, 28-year-old, 6″ tall dentist. Josh is self-described as a deep thinking Christian who is looking for a godly, independent woman with a penchant for sarcasm. Hmmm… could this be a more perfect fit?!

But then I noticed his location:

It’s pretty daunting to consider starting a relationship between two people who have never met and live 800 miles apart. So much of chemistry is determined through face-to-face interaction that Josh really seemed like a great catch who just isn’t meant for me.

Lastly, there’s Nate. He’s another 6″ tall 28-year-old, only he’s a Mechanical Engineer and, unlike Josh, he actually lives in the same city as me! I got really excited reading over his profile, and my best friend Ashley picked him out of all my matches as the one she envisions being most compatible with me:

I sent Nate a smile and waited for him to initiate the first series of get-to-know-you questions. But his questions never came. A week went by; then two, until finally:

I realized that an amazing man like Nate wouldn’t have stayed single for long. A lot of dating sites don’t close out their inactive members’ profiles, so I’m sure Nate found his lady love and is off enjoying his “best friend, [his] lover and the mother of [his] future children.”

I just wish she was me.

Authentically Aurora

Match Madness – Part II

As a continuation of Match Madness – Part 1, here are the Top 10 profile essays of men with whom I have personally been matched online.

I wonder if there’s an option for me to retake the personality assessment that this site is using for its compatibility algorithms…

#10:

Mental note made: Don’t touch the man’s head!

#9:

I’m sure there was supposed to be punctuation in there somewhere. This reminds me of “Let’s eat grandma: punctuation saves lives.” Fortunately, all that’s on the line here are a couple of DVDs.

#8:

Wow! You are very excited! And enthusiastic! Yay!!!

#7:

For those of you who don’t know what bio-hacking is (I didn’t, either; I looked it up), it’s basically self-mutilation. Gross. Where do they find these people?!

#6:

“There is to many.” If you don’t understand why this one made the list, please don’t read You Lost Me at “Your”.

#5:

…I see.

#4a:

High expectations.

#4b:

More outrageous expectations.

#3:

Yeah, you sound really passionate about people.

#2:

Um… [walks away]

#1:

Baby, if you’re expecting your wife to get you into heaven, you’ve got seriously unrealistic expectations about marriage.

Authentically Aurora

Match Madness – Part I

I pay good money for my online dating site to match me with compatible candidates with whom I could feasibly enter into a successful dating relationship. However, over the past month, instead of communicating with my matches, I have kept a continually refreshed Top 20 list of the most ridiculous profile pictures of men I have actually been matched with.

For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, may I present:

#20. Probably not your most flattering angle…

#19. Either lost and confused or a mouth-breather. No thanks.

#18. One does not simply… date someone twice your age.

#17. I can’t decide if this is hot or creepy.

#16. Ah, selfies.

#15. Is this supposed to be sexy? Flirtatious? Just plain weird?

#14. Why? Just… why? Do you not have any photos of yourself without a highlighter in your mouth?

#13. I always wanted to date the leprechaun version of Yosemite Sam.

#12. Are you golfing or getting ready for lift off?

#11. Oh dear. You are entirely too excitable.

#10. Is that supposed to attract me to you?

#9. Yes, your dentist does great work. Now please close your lips.

#8. I am really frightened right now.

#7. Nice hair, Fabio.

#6. Ah yes, I love the smell of limes in the morning.

#5. Oh, rednecks… there’s one in every bunch.

#4. Half of San Francisco would attack my blog with angry comments if I asked the obvious question about this one.

#3. Does he realize this is a dating site?

#2. So, when you say “girlfriend”, what you mean is getaway driver.

#1. I have no words.

Authentically Aurora