Clingy is for Saran Wrap

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When I was in elementary school, there was a kid nicknamed Spring Butt because he was so overeager that he would jump out of his seat with such nauseating enthusiasm, it appeared he had a spring affixed to his trousers. Although the original Spring Butt is long since married off, it seems that my online dating site recently matched me with a version of his full-fledged, adult form.

Mike initially looked like a good match. Reading over his profile, I found out that he is a smart, successful engineer who has a heart to serve those in need. He looked attractive in his photos and stated that he was a non-smoker who didn’t have any children but would like them someday. However, elsewhere in his profile, Mike described how much he loves spending time with his daughter. This particular site matches people based on preferences like religion and salary, so I figured that Mike had a daughter but selected “I don’t have kids” so that he wouldn’t miss out on potential matches who felt it was a deal breaker for them.

Much to my chagrin, Mike sent me a message expressing interest. Being a woman who values integrity, I decided to spurn his affections by calling him out on the conflicting messages in his profile regarding his daughter. Within an hour, I had a response back from Mike:

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And then a few hours later, he added:

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My brother lives on the other side of the country and came into town unexpectedly that weekend, and I don’t normally check my online dating profile every day anyway, so I was a bit peeved when, less than 36 hours later, I had another message from Mike:

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If I could overlook his indiscretion at trying to conceal his daughter, I still would take issue with his needy, desperate communication style, so I let him know that I didn’t think we would work out in a romantic relationship. Instead of accepting my decision, he tried to change my mind by writing:

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Exacerbated, I decided I was finished responding to Mike, but he was not finished with me. He wrote again the next afternoon:

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And within another couple of hours, I had yet another message:

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Hoping to cease communication once and for all, I replied and told Mike that I took less issue with his daughter than the fact that I was overwhelmed by the amount of communication I had been receiving from him. “I need to be with someone who can be still and patient,” I wrote. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received two more messages over the next couple of days:

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I’ll say this for Mike: He knows the meaning of persistence. And according to Albert Ellis, that’s worth something in love.

Screen Shot 2014-08-24 at 4.09.49 PM Authentically Aurora