CyberStalk Inc.

Online Dating

When I cancelled my online dating subscription last week, I was trying to get away from the drama and soul-crushing disappointment in humanity that I experienced as a result of subjecting myself to love algorithms.

My friend Farah suggested that I try MeetUp instead. It’s an online networking tool that connects users with local interest groups – no matching; no messaging; no awkward dates. It’s just a gathering of soon-to-be-friends who share hobbies and live in the same city. So Farah and I signed up together and have planned to attend our first joint social gathering next week. I figured, if nothing else, it would make for a great blog post. Little did I know that MeetUp is secretly yet another dating site.

Take Grant, for instance. He is reminiscent of online dating’s very own Spring Butt.

Grant1

Yeah, I guessed that from the blue text beside your photo that says “Grant”. 

Grant2

First of all, why are you continuing this conversation? Secondly, this sounds like my attempt at German in high school. “Hallo! Ich heisse Aurora. Ich have braune haare. Ich mochte volleyball spielen.”

Grant3

Do I know you? And if not, why are you sending me enthusiastic messages without any encouragement from me whatsoever?

Grant5b

“I’m awful at it.” Way to sell yourself there, buddy.

I finally messaged the poor guy back to let him know that I was going to be out of town (for my oh-so-memorable weekend in Boston), and – as expected – Grant was very prompt in checking in on Monday morning:

Grant7

*Sigh. Please, Grant. Develop some self respect.

Also, this just in from Moe:

Moe2

Moe pic

And John:

John2

Hey, John! Oh, I don’t know… being messaged on MeetUp by a complete stranger with no profile description and an image of a Jeep for his profile picture. That’s not creepy or suspicious at all!

At least Moe had a real photo of himself, frightening though it may be.

Networking No-Go

NetworkingAt the large corporation where I work, networking is key. Success in the workplace is largely dependent upon one’s ability to connect with the right people. I recently decided to apply the same concept to my personal life, figuring that success in spousal identification is largely dependent upon one’s ability to connect with the right people. So I committed to myself that I would attend at least one large social event every weekend this month.

The first weekend of August, a group of friends took a road trip to the Texas hill country. I was really excited about the weekend, especially when my married friends told me that the new guy who would be riding in the back with me was single. I was less excited when said single guy turned out to be a male ballerina-turned-barista who wore an amethyst pendant with his V-neck and told us about his crystal powers while playing anime video games on his handheld Nintendo.

The second weekend of August, I was invited to a housewarming party for a friend of a friend, who also happened to be a single guy. I thought to myself, “This could have potential. He just bought a house, so he’s probably mature and ready to settle down.” It turns out I was right about his maturity; he was over a decade my senior, and the “housewarming” ended up being a party to celebrate his moving into a new apartment. On the plus side, he did spend most of the evening introducing me to the various beers in the Craft Beer Room of his apartment, trying to find one that this wine drinker would be able to taste without making a face like a five-year-old.

The third weekend of August, I attended a play at our downtown theatre with a random group of people brought together by an old friend. We went to dinner beforehand, and I was seated diagonally across from an attractive, single, petroleum engineer named Andrew. We were having a wonderful conversation until some young blonde in three inch heels showed up half an hour late. Andrew’s eyes lit up, and he asked me to trade tickets so that they could sit together during the play. From their conversation, it sounded like they knew each other from before, so I at least took comfort in the fact that I wasn’t passed over based on physical appearance alone. Regardless, here’s hoping this weekend proves to be more fruitful than the rest!

Authentically Aurora