Bachelor Bash – Week 6

Carly Jade Kaitlyn singingEvery week of The Bachelor provides an opportunity to laugh uproariously at the foolish antics of women who seemingly forget their every move is being recorded for the entertainment of the masses. And this week, the majority of viewers likely continued in this vein, eating up the drama-filled standoff between Kelsey and Ashley I on their two-on-one date. But this week hit me differently. These girls are starting to genuinely invest in their feelings for Chris, and we are now seeing more vulnerability than ever before.

This week on the group date, all of the girls were tasked with writing their own love songs for Chris, which they then had to perform in front of the other girls. As someone blessed with not only a lovely voice but also a natural inclination for writing music and lyrics, this is something I would actually enjoy… minus having to perform my very personal, very intimate love song in front of my man’s other prospects.

For me, writing song lyrics is always an exercise in vulnerability. It’s how I pour out the most intense of my emotions. To publicly share words meant for the man I adore would be embarrassing regardless of his reaction, and to be rejected would make it doubly humiliating.

So when Chris wordlessly stole Britt away for some one-on-one time that turned into over an hour alone at a Big & Rich concert, he acted thoughtlessly. He left the other girls on the group date wondering where he went, and when they found out – after singing their hearts out in personal love songs to him – they all felt foolish, stupid, humiliated and rejected.

Jade admitted, in her usual shy way, “It’s hard to write a love song about somebody when he’s clearly into somebody else.” 

The typically confident Whitney expressed, “You compare yourself to someone who’s so beautiful – I mean, she’s gorgeous – and it makes you feel insecure.” 

Even Kaitlyn, who is usually so brash and brazen, had tears rolling down her cheeks. I have never been a fan of Kaitlyn, but this week, my heart went out to her because I saw beyond her tough exterior. “It’s humiliating to put yourself out there. His connection with her is so obvious to everyone.”

Whitney Carly Kaitlyn crying

Sweet Carly is a professional singer and performer on a cruise liner, so she was in her element on this date. Kaitlyn said of Carly, “They had a really intimate moment. I was almost in love for them.”

But even Carly got teary when Britt took off alone with Chris. “She’s going to come back with no lipstick on her mouth… Hey Carly, be invisible again.”

One of my dear friends gave me a book weeks ago called Wilderness Skills for Women. It’s all about journeying through the emotional wilderness of singleness, loneliness and rejection. The author, Marian Jordan, writes about The Bachelor,

“Each week’s episode of The Bachelor ends with a gaggle of girls shedding tearful good-byes. Some are tears… of pain. The real pain of rejection. The coffee shop psychologist in me is always amazed at the reactions of the women on the show. It is fascinating to watch. Most of these girls have spent less than four hours total with the guy, but it never seems to matter. If she doesn’t get the rose, she is totally crushed. And it doesn’t really matter who the guy is… every girl wants to be picked. Not one single woman stands in the rose ceremony wishing that her name won’t be called. As women, we want to be singled out, chosen, and yes, offered the rose.”

So this week, sweet girls, I won’t make fun of you. Because I see you as you are – wounded, hurting, lonely women just like so many of the rest of us, longing to be singled out and chosen; longing to be told that we are worthy, desirable and loved.

For anyone reading this who feels unworthy, undesirable or unloved, be encouraged. Because there is Someone who is head over heels in love with you; Someone who is passionate about you and zealous for you; Someone who is pursuing you and wooing you to Himself. The God of the Universe loves you unconditionally, just as you are. You are precious, and He deemed you worth dying for.

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 5

That may have been the weirdest episode of “The Bachelor” ever. Which is saying something, because “The Bachelor” is a perpetual freak show.

From Carly‘s one-on-one date with the “love and sex expert”…

Carly Week 5 B

…to Britt‘s emotional yo-yoing over her fear of heights…

Britt Week 5

…from Jordan showing back up…

Jordan Week 5

…to Kelsey‘s manipulative antics…

Kelsey Week 5

…I am just overwhelmed. I can’t even handle the strangeness of whatever all of that was.

So let’s focus on Megan. Because after that absolute debacle of an episode, we could all use some comic relief.

Megan Week 5 A

Megan Week 5 B

Megan Week 5 C

I wonder if Megan ever figured out she was still in the U.S. *Sigh.

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 4

Group Date Week 4I feel like this week on “The Bachelor”, the girls were clearly divided into two camps: Those Who Are Crass v. Those Who Have Class.

At the beginning of this week’s episode, several bikini-clad girls rode in convertibles to a lake with Bachelor Chris. Their group date involved camping and playing Red Rover in skimpy two-pieces. Yes, it was Bachelor Chris’s own private “Baywatch” viewing.

At one point, the self-proclaimed virginal Ashley I. took off her bikini top before jumping into the lake from the pier. Soon after, “you can plow the **** out of my field any day” Kaitlyn shimmied off her bikini bottoms and mooned the entire group (fellow contestants included, not to mention the nation-wide viewers). You can guess which camp I put these girls in.

Meanwhile, over in camp Those Who Have Class, Kelsey spoke to the camera, “This is a date for bimbos. If you have dignity and self respect, this is the part where you check out. I’m done.” Preach it, sister! Finally a woman on this show with some semblance of moral fiber! 

One-one-one dates Week 4Next, some of the girls got one-on-one time with Bachelor Chris. Jillian the Jock, who has bigger biceps than Chris, displayed the full extent of her meat head status when, on her romantic one-on-one date, she asked Chris, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless woman… or abstain from sex for five years?”

Not surprisingly (based on his obsession with Kaitlyn, Queen of Crass), this question was not what turned Chris off to Jillian so much as her incessant talking. “When Jillian’s talking, I become very confused because the words are coming out faster than I can process them.” Oh, is it only with Jillian? I thought confusion was your natural state of being, Prince Farming. 

In contrast to Jillian’s horrifying lack of propriety, Jade (who has been my top pick from Week 1) was gracious, sweet and humble while she was waited on hand and foot by personal stylists who prepped her for a Cinderella-like evening with Chris. Fortunately, the typically clueless Chris finally got a clue and picked up on Jade’s quiet confidence and previously unappreciated intangibles. “Not only is Jade beautiful on the outside, but her inner beauty is what really stands out to me.”

Week 4 VirginsLastly, we had the battle of the virgins. Which was really just Ashley I. using every excuse possible to talk about her virginity in an effort to get attention and feel special. She brought up her virginity to Chris twice, and when he didn’t respond as expected (i.e. by ripping off her clothes), she started crying and blew the entire situation out of proportion. “It’s really weird for him not to make a move on me,” she sobbed with black mascara running down her foundation-caked cheeks.

This girl is living in an alternate reality where she is the center of the universe. Maybe she’s neighbors with Ashley S., who is just living in an alternate reality period, or MacKenzie, who asks, “Do you guys believe in aliens?” just about every episode. Bachelor Trekkies unite.

In contrast to drama-filled, Kardashian-wannabe Ashley I., all that Becca said about her virginity this entire season was, “It’s a decision I made.” As Bachelor Host Chris Harrison said in his interview with Robyn Ross, “[Ashley I.] doesn’t know how to handle her sexuality yet, and she’s not comfortable in her own skin… Ashley is being exposed as young and naïve. The juxtaposition… between her breaking down over the whole thing and then having Becca go, ‘Oh by the way, me too,’ shows the difference between a woman and a young girl.” 

Go Becca. Quiet confidence wins every time.

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 3

Jimmy Chris BachelorJimmy Kimmel, thank you for defacing yourself by guest starring on “The Bachelor” this week. Although you may forever suffer from lower self respect for appearing on such a deplorable show, the rest of us benefited tremendously from your sacrifice.

Frankly, I’m amazed the ABC Network was capable of such self-deprecating humor. But I liked it. Jimmy’s jabs made this week’s episode elicit far more amusement and less disgust than usual. Go Jimmy Kimmel.

From the start, Jimmy set the tone of his stay with the women. When he first entered the concubines’ bachelorettes’ mansion, his welcoming exclamation was, “Hey, Sister Wives!!!”, referencing of course the polygamous nature of these fifteen women all living together and sucking face with the same man.

Hey, Sister WivesSomehow Jimmy managed to get all of the girls to laugh at this dig. Were they stunned by his glorious appearance? Have they accepted the unholy nature of their romantic entanglements? Did their consumption of large quantities of alcohol finally kill off enough brain cells to keep them from catching the slam? We may never know.

Next, Jimmy crashed Bachelor Chris’s one-on-one date with Kaitlyn. Chris gazed affectionately at Kaitlyn (although I’m not sure how, what with that off-color seal joke) and bragged to Jimmy that Kaitlyn is a great catch because she likes to eat steak, drink whiskey, and her throaty laugh is lower than his. Jimmy’s response? “It’s like marrying another guy.”

Kaitlyn another guy…to which the moronic Bachelor Chris replied, “And I’m okay with that.”

Was anyone else bothered by that exchange? Not only did Chris embrace the verbal knock at his own masculinity, but – more importantly – he failed to defend the femininity of his date. Oh wait. There’s no femininity to defend. Okay, free pass, Bachelor Chris. Moving on.

Throughout the episode, Jimmy made several other adorable remarks, like, “I specialize in making people uncomfortable.” That may have to be my new personal slogan.

Jimmy's specialtyIn the end, right before Bachelor Chris went out to the women for the Rose Ceremony, Jimmy gave him one final pep talk: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.”

Don't be yourselfWell said, Jimmy. Well said.

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 2

We’re only two weeks in, and already Bachelor Chris and his harem contestants have given us countless cringe-worthy quotes, producing simultaneous amusement and disgust in viewers everywhere. Here are the Top 10 Bachelor quotes so far this season!

#10 – Ashley S. [creepily hunched over a pomegranate]: “I feel so powerful right now.”

Ashley S Onion

#9 – Jordan: “Jillian has the hairiest butt I’ve ever seen. It’s hairier than some of my ex-boyfriends’.”

Jordan hairy

#8 – Lacy (former Bachelorette): “We’re 80/40 on the [wedding] date.”

Lacy 80 40

#7 – Megan: “The butterflies in my stomach are just… colorful and smiling!”

Megan butterflies

#6 – Whitney: “Do y’all inseminate pigs on your farm? We kind of do the same thing! I’m a fertility nurse!”

Whitney insemination

#5 – Kaitlyn: “Sometimes when I tell a joke, it makes people laugh.”

Kaitlyn joke

#4 – Amber: “My heart literally pumps every time I see one of those little white envelopes.”

Amber literally

#3 – Bachelor Chris: “I wish I was a polygamist right now.”

Chris polygamist

#2 – Kaitlyn: “You can plow the **** out of my field any day.”

Kaitlyn plow

#1 – MacKenzie [to the virginal Ashley I.]: “Guys like taking your virginity… I’m so jealous. I can’t even use that because I have a kid.”

MacKenzie virgin

#facepalm. Just… #facepalm.

Authentically Aurora

Bachelor Bash – Week 1

The BachelorAllow me to preface this post by openly stating that I never had any intention of (or even inclination that I would ever consider) posting about “The Bachelor”.

However, since the roots of this particular blog are Dating and Humor (just have a look at my Tag Cloud to the right), I suppose it makes sense that my blogging could eventually intersect with this ridiculously horrible, sadly laughable fiasco of a show that simultaneously inspires, disgusts and amuses its viewers. Okay, mostly disgusts and amuses.

In any case, my friend Melanie invited me to this season’s session of recurring Girls’ Nights to gather with other women and marvel at the lengths girls will go to find “true love.” As a rather jaded former Disney-princess-at-heart, I have decided to join in the festivities for the purposes of:

  1. Engaging in fellowship with my girlfriends
  2. Conducting an informal study of female psychology
  3. Totally dominating our group’s Bachelor Bracket
  4. Gathering easy fodder for hilarious blog posts

In preparation for tonight’s season premiere, I did a bit of research on the contenders and, to my surprise, found that I have already begun to experience that rare combination of emotions elicited only by horrible reality TV shows: simultaneous disgust & amusement. For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

JordanJordan: The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is jumping “off the back of a boat bar naked in the British Virgin Islands”, and if she wanted to impress a man, she’d “give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.”

Oh, Jordan. Please develop some self-respect and realize that you attract the kind of men you cater to. If you want a man to treat you like you’re nothing more than sex on a stick, keep doing what you’re doing, kiddo. You’re on a roll.

NicoleNicole: If she could be a fictional character, she would be Jessica Rabbit because “she is so unapologetically sexy with natural sex appeal”, and if Nicole were an animal, she would be a wolf because they are “magical and bad-ass creatures”.

Okay, when I look at you, Nicole, I’m not getting “sexy” and “bad-ass”. Or, by the way, someone who wants to “jump in the sack”. Are we compensating a bit here?

NikkiNikki: Her occupation is listed as “Former NFL Cheerleader.”

So Nikki, what you’re trying to tell us is… you’re unemployed? Living in the past? Looking for a sugar daddy? Trying to keep the glory days alive as long as possible?

TaraTara: She can’t live without whiskey, loves it when her date “opens the truck door” (I guess she only dates country boys?), views marriage as merely “legal documentation” of commitment, and her occupation is a “Sport Fishing Enthusiast.”

Can your occupation be “an enthusiast”? I mean, I’m an ice cream enthusiast. Can I get paid for that? Because that sounds sweet. Literally and figuratively.

*Sigh. All right, Bachelor Chris. It’s now Open Season on thirty needy, desperate, insecure bachelorettes. This should be interesting. And by interesting, I of course mean simultaneously disgusting and amusing.

Authentically Aurora

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