For anyone who is so inclined, I am openly asking for prayer over my relationship with Bryan. I really, really like this guy a lot – he is a smart, talented, attractive, godly man with a kind heart and generous spirit – but we are really struggling with communication.
We have the same fight constantly, only over different subjects. At its core, the theme always remains the same: I will be discussing some part of my life (past, present, or future), and Bryan will offer an alternate perspective, but instead of couching it as simply an alternate perspective, he has a way of making me feel like he is scornful of my decision.
For example, tonight I was telling him about how I have chosen to continue working in my job at an oil company while attending school part time for graphic design. It seemed like the wise, prudent, responsible choice to test the waters of graphic design to see if it’s a career path I would actually enjoy before completely quitting my stable, lucrative job at an oil company.
Instead of saying something like, “Did you ever consider just quitting work completely and going to school full time?”, his response was:
“Sometimes the only thing to do is to just DO something. Imagine the opportunities you would have had if you’d just moved to San Francisco to do graphic design full time. Imagine the people you would have met; the experiences you could have had. You could have had such an adventure!”
His chosen wording and tone made me feel like I had to justify my safer, more responsible decision as opposed to his clearly preferred option of having the grand adventure. Only, it wasn’t necessarily his preferred option. He was just stating a counterpoint.
But, regardless of the subject, Bryan never makes it sound like just an alternate perspective; his word choices make me feel like he thinks this alternate perspective is the RIGHT perspective. Then, in my insecurity, I get defensive and lash out, which causes him to withdraw from me, which only deepens my lack of security in his affection for me. We are in a vicious downward spiral, and I think I see where it’s headed. Only, neither one of us wants it to go that way.
We had a long conversation about this tonight after yet another disagreement. He said that he really likes me a lot but is concerned about my defensive behavior. I really like him a lot but feel insecure in his affection because I often don’t know where we stand and, as a result of this insecurity, exhibit the defensive behavior that is then his reason for not investing further in me.
This is the way my engagement started down the path toward a broken engagement. Bryan has asked me why I always have such a pessimistic view; why can’t I expect good things? But I think I see the writing on the wall, and life has a way of delivering self-fulfilling prophesies on a silver platter.
So again I state: Prayers appreciated.
Authentically Aurora
Authentically Aurora 
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Do you know Karpman’s Drama Triangle? It sounds (to me) as if it might be this type of dynamic. We all do it to a certain extent. You were explaining to him tht you’d decided to keep your job (why explain?) and then he puts himself in the position of trying to change your opinion. It’s replaying old childish dynamics, often a game called ‘Why don’t you…?. He ends up feeling frustrated that he can’t ‘help’ you (as he used to as a child) and you end up feeling superior (no offence meant) and in control as he can’t budge you. Eventually he will get angry and annoyed with you. Don’t you have friends who moan and moan and then refuse any suggestions that you make? It’s the same dynamic. Don’t know if this helps but its very powerful if you can recognise it. So you’ve asked for prayers and I’ve offered advice! Ignore as you wish! best wishes.
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Blessings
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‘The wisdom from above is FIRST pure, then peaceable.’
In our prayers for others, many times our own prayers are answered. I should hurry then and pray for you! All, the best to ya AA.
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Yes, prayer for wisdom on how to handle this situation!
Our minds think quite alike so I can feel what you’re feeling. I’m always open for objective criticism even if doesn’t sound logical and but I tune out people who say it in the wrong way – their emotions of anger get in the way of rational thinking.
So especially I would say in your situation, I would call a “meeting” and talk about it. Say that his tone and way is hurting you. If he truly is a “kind heart and generous spirit” Christian guy, then he’ll say sorry and fix it. Say that you don’t mind his opinions but he should say it in a better way. If he does fix it, then you know he’s the “One” for you. If he doesn’t, then you will know that part is in his nature and he will never be the most encouraging friend… or husband for that matter. When I feel there’s tension, I find the problem and fix it as soon as possible so the pain isn’t dragging on. I can imagine that this process would be hard because you are starting to feel even more feelings toward him but I always try to think long-term. Whatever I do, I try to have as much success as possible even if it potentially hurts me in the present.
Anyway, whatever decisions you make, know that God will always have your side and if you make a mistake, God might have a better second plan for your life. 🙂
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Thanks, Steve. I really appreciate your encouragement! I talked with Bryan about how I was feeling, and he has been way better today. He’s definitely making an effort! We’ll see if it sticks… Thanks for the prayers!
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No problem! Just think of me as your biggest online supporter! 😉 I’ve always had high expectations for other people but I’ve had to slightly lower them but I always admire people who are willing to put in the effort and time to improve/adapt.
Do you know his personality? Knowing that always helps me be able to interact with people better and figure out how to get a person change. Call it manipulation or whatever… this is for a good cause. From what you have mentioned and don’t hold me to this but he seems like someone with a Sensor personality. Those personalities never get us ( Intuitive’s and especially INTJ’s) and how we think, which might explain why as your relationship is getting deeper, it’s getting harder and starting to clash. An (N) would never spend the majority of time complaining about someone being too pessimistic but try to help you! You’ll have to pardon me when speaking about those Sensors…majority of the world and my family are them and they always make me change who I am or they won’t accept me. Although, who knows, 3 good friends of mine are sensors but I told them to grow up if they wanted to be friends with me and they did. So Bryan might do the same…hopefully so or you’ll have to give me his phone number so I can set him straight. 😛 I’m an excellent pro at that! 😉
Hopefully that helped! Any thoughts?
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Yay! More blogger friends! Bryan thinks he is an ENFJ, but I am determined that he’s an ENFP. At work, he may be a J, but in his personal life (i.e. with me), there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that he’s a P. He is completely spontaneous and incapable of planning anything in advance or communicating plans to me.
I’m fairly certain he’s an N. A lot of the S characteristics you may be picking up, I would attribute to his F nature. He’s definitely a feeler, so I think that causes some of the intuition he picks up on to be discarded for the sake of how he’s feeling. Also, he’s one of the most insightful people I’ve ever met, but I think we are facing a bit of a culture clash since he is very European in his ways of thinking about relationships (all of his friends are shocked that he’s dating an American).
Hypothetically, the ENFP is the ideal match for the INTJ, but of course you can’t go on MBTI alone. Sadly (for INTJs like us), the system is not fool-proof. 😉
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Support in any relationship is critical. This is your life, your choices and your decision about the direction you want your career to take, regardless of whether the two of you are together or not. He should respect that. If he doesn’t and you continue to give in to his “suggestions” you will, at some point, come to resent him and find yourself in a place and career you never wanted.
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Prayers for you my friend. I’m so sorry this is happening. No advice as I think you were just putting this out there as a way to vent, so I will just pray for you to make the right decision (both with him and your job). And by the way, playing it safe isn’t always a bad thing. Prayers!
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Thanks, Ben. Why are you so good at “getting” me? You’re right; it was a vent session, and your response was absolutely perfect. Candidly, reading your comment actually made me cry. Because I felt cared for. Thanks for being the best I’ve-never-actually-met-you blogger friend a girl could hope for. ❤
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Sorry I made you cry. J/K. I guess I’m just so impressed by what type of person you are. You have great faith and yet you also are pretty realistic about things (to most people, realists are considered bitter). I guess maybe we share that in common. I also know that people a lot of times just want someone to listen. I also know the struggle of wanting to do what God wants us to be and have faith, but also seeing how hard it is to have things thrown at you constantly. It’s just so weird how someone you have never met can become such a good friend. Thanks for being so kind too.
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Well, we brothers and sisters in Christ and also fellow INTJ’s have to stick together. So yeah, a little more than just blogger friends!
Man! You know! I did say that I might be wrong. It’s far easier to type a person when you have all the details. I’m usually very good at that! My gut feeling was he was ENFP…those ENFP’s are madly in love with us INTJ’s as it seemed Bryan is with you!!!! 😉 😉 It’s like how they say ESFP’s are with ISTJ’s. I’ve seen so many of those marriages like my parents and it’s pretty awful. I would say that the only thing keeping my parents together at times is their belief in Jesus Christ. Of course, I find (N) more aware and know how to adapt or change…at least INTJ’s are. What kind of European is he? I always loved the British because it seems like they are more sophisticated, my humor matches their humor, and love their accent.
I tend to like the personality of INTJ’s (mature ones), INFJ’s, and INFP’s the most! Most of my friends are those and I always find it pretty easy to have a fairy deep relationship and have fun with them. I think it would be better to marry a feeler when thinking of perhaps having kids. I’ve adapted and evolved quite a bit but I don’t think I could replicate 100% what they do – I will always show preference to logic…with some care of course. I think that’s one of the gifts God has given me – being able to help people out with wisdom mixed with care. I like to view myself as kind of the Barnabas character – Son of encourager.
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He’s actually American, but he’s spent the last ten years living abroad in primarily London and Paris. I would say he definitely has British tendencies now, as he often says things like, “loo”, “walkabout”, and “have a think about that.” It’s kind of adorable.
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