Leavetaking – Part II

Walking Away with Suitcase“You won’t leave until you can’t stay.”

“Hello,” Bryan answered his phone. The anger in his voice was impossible to miss.

“Hi. Are you still at work, or can you talk now?” I asked him.

His response was brusque. “I’m at home.”

“Okay,” I began. “You seem to be upset with me.”

Without preamble, the floodgates opened, and Bryan burst out, “I trusted you! I trusted you, and you broke my trust!

Taken aback, mind reeling, I tried to stay calm. “I’m sorry you feel that way–”

He cut me off. “You keep saying that word – ‘sorry’ – but I don’t think you know what it means. You keep saying you’re sorry, but then you keep doing the same things over and over. How many times have we had this conversation, Aurora?!”

I wasn’t sure exactly what conversation he meant, but based on his texts, it had to be the variations on our conversation about not sharing anything about our relationship with other people. “Bryan, if you’ll just give me a chance to explain–”

“I feel violated by you.” He shot the word at me, wounding me.

I took a deep breath. “Bryan, I hear your hurt.” I tried to acknowledge him; let him know I was hearing him. Then I went on, “When I spoke with Marcia and Andie, it was like girls at a slumber party talking about their crushes–”

“I can’t believe you went behind my back. I trusted you.”

He wasn’t going to let me get a word in edgewise to defend myself. “Bryan, if you’re ever going to be in a relationship with a woman, you need to realize that girls talk–”

“There you go deflecting again,” he interjected with a steely edge to his voice.

I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. In the meantime, Bryan spouted accusations at me, telling me about my lack of character and integrity. “I’m just now finding out about your conversation with Russ months after the fact. How many more betrayals am I going to find out about in the months to come?!”

I care deeply for Bryan, and every conversation I had was because of that care for him. He was private, and I wanted to know him more. He was closed off emotionally, and I longed to know how he really felt about me. Bryan struggled to communicate where we stood even after six months, although I now think he wasn’t trying to communicate it because he wasn’t even trying to ascertain it for himself. And he certainly didn’t communicate it to his friends or evidently want anything about our relationship shared with them.

When Bryan eventually paused for breath, I said quietly, “Bryan, I don’t feel like I’m being heard by you. I’m trying to explain myself–”

You don’t feel heard my me?! I don’t feel heard by you! How many times have we had this conversation?! First, you went to my sister; then you talked about me to Toby; then Russ…”

He continued to give full vent to his anger, and my body went into fight or flight response. I felt my hands start to shake, my face getting hot, and tears started streaming down my cheeks as I tried not to sob. I loved this man, and he was attacking me.

“Bryan, you’re making me cry,” I choked out. “You’re hurting me.”

“Like the way you hurt me when you went behind my back to all of my friends?” There was no softness; no kindness; only rage in his tone.

Something broke in me, and the tears subsided. Now there was only a deathly calm; a painfully still deadness settled into my chest.

Bryan had started another impassioned tirade, “I trusted you, and you broke my trust. I’ll never trust you again!” I noted absently that this was the first time I’d ever really heard Bryan truly passionate about anything.

It was my turn to interrupt him, and I did so with an even, formal tone. “For the sake of closure, I need to hear you say that you’ll never pursue anything here with me again. I really care about you, and I’ve been hoping you would start to pursue me again. I had hoped -” I redirected mid-sentence. “I need to hear you say that you’ll never pursue me again.”

“No,” he declared with vehemence. “I’m done. After this, I’m done,” he spat at me.

I flinched involuntarily. “Okay,” I continued with as much external calm as ever. “Well is there anything else you wanted to get out of this conversation before we hang up?”

“I never had anything I wanted to get out of this conversation to begin with,” he snarled at me, voice full of bitterness.

“Okay, then. Have a good rest of your week.”

The click I heard on the other end resounded with finality. I’m done.

Authentically Aurora

16 thoughts on “Leavetaking – Part II

  1. Ouch. That was definitely closure. Hurtful closure. Your words were artful and, naturally, authentic.

    “Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek, the Fox would say, “Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that is the whole art and joy of words.” [You seem to have this down pretty well.]

    ― C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces

    “The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing — to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from …”

    ― C.S. Lewis, Till We Have Faces

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My heart hurts for you, no one should be at the receiving end of such angry words. Despite that, I’m grateful you were able to get the closure you needed. You’re in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I had something useful or helpful I could say to you. What a disheartening set of exchanges, to say the least, and how brave you are to share them with the world. Two clichés, though not useful, are true. First, his anger can’t be all about you, even though it is aimed at you. He’s displacing some other problem. Second, if he is like this, he doesn’t deserve you, and you can (and will) do better. I’m keeping you in my prayers. J.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Although cliches are often not useful, sometimes it’s good to be reminded in the darkness of what we knew to be true in the light. Thanks for speaking truth over me. I appreciate your prayers and support.


    • Thanks, Ave. That’s a great verse. I’ve also been dwelling on Hosea 2:14-15. I think God is trying to remind me that He is my First Love, and my soul will only be satisfied in him! Hard truths, but good ones.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This sounds like a shocking overreaction from Bryan…truly shocking. It sounds like he has some serious intimacy and commitment issues. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Perhaps Salvagable is right and he was just displacing his anger…either way, there’s no excuse for that kind of reaction. It’s uncalled for and undeserving. You deserve to be treated better. All humans deserve to be treated better than that. I’m glad God is reminding you that He is your First Love. I would do well to remember that more often. You’re in my prayers ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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