I’ve spent nearly 20 hours with Bryan in the last week. And I don’t even know how it happened.
On Wednesday, he took me out for tapas. On Thursday, we met at a grocery store, and I cooked him scallops in a lemon butter sauce with fresh green beans. And on Saturday at 9am, he drove us to a downtown pub that hosts watch parties for Chelsea FC, his favorite football club from his time in London.
When I’m with Bryan, time flies by, and I am never ready for the day to end. We don’t really have sparks or intense chemistry like I do with Flynn, but we share a comfortable companionship. I enjoy doing life with Bryan.
When I cooked dinner for him on Thursday, it was my first time to see his house. It’s a three story house in a ritzy part of town. No surprise. One of his neighbors owns three BMWs. The other has an Audi and a Porsche. You know… no big deal.
Bryan gave me the tour, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he is in the process of building a gazebo on his rooftop porch. He didn’t strike me as the kind of guy to work with his hands, but it is pleasing to me that he does – and that he enjoys it so immensely. There is something very attractive about a man who works with his hands.
Later in the evening that Thursday, in telling me about his travels (and explaining the stories behind the various cultural relics decorating his home), Bryan made reference to being happy to be back in his own bed. “What color is the comforter on your bed?” I asked offhand, trying to envision the room as I often do when people are telling a story.
He looked at me with a puzzled expression. “Don’t you know?” Well, he’d given me a tour, but I hadn’t noticed.
“If you did know, what color would it be?” he asked me.
I thought for a moment. “…blue?”
He smiled warmly at me. Affectionately. Pleased. “Yes.”
“Why are you looking at me like you know something I don’t?”
Bryan explained. “I recently read about hypnosis theories. Apparently your subconscious is constantly picking up on more than you realize in your focused, conscious thoughts. One of the tricks of hypnosis is to ask your subject things like, ‘If you did know…’ or ‘If you had to guess…’. That causes the subconscious to activate those memories you didn’t even realize you had. Your subconscious provides your conscious with the answer.”
These are the kinds of conversations we have all the time. We talk about logic puzzles and brain chemistry and psychology. It’s interesting. Intriguing. Entertaining. Like I said before, when I’m with Bryan, time flies by, and I enjoy doing life with him. But I want – no, I need – more than just a meeting of minds. My heart needs lighthearted playfulness. I need someone who can be silly and who makes me laugh.
Bryan says I still have walls up – or rather (in his words), a curtain. He claims that I peek over the top of the curtain so I can see everything that’s going on, but I never part the curtain for anyone else to see in. He says that I project the image of myself that I want others to see. And that image isn’t false, but it’s only a part of the whole.
Bryan also says he is determined to break through the barrier. Leave it to Bryan to be perceptive enough to recognize my shielding… and to be compassionate enough to genuinely want to know me – all of me.
More than anything, I want to be known. Fully known and fully loved, despite being fully known. But I know that if I part the curtain, Bryan won’t like what he sees, and then he’ll reject me, like so many have done before.
I told him as much. His response? “How do you know I won’t like what I see? You haven’t given me the opportunity to make that determination.”
“Everyone else has rejected me when they’ve seen in.”
“And, based on what you know of me, am I like everyone else?”
But… better to keep the curtain up for now.
I read your blog and Bryan does sound great but I can see you’re more into Flyn but he isn’t breaking up with his gf is he? This sounds a bit like having your cake and eating it too. Great blog.
Hi, Zeynab! Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. You’re right; I’m more into Flynn, but I feel like I should be more into Bryan. Bryan is a more solid man, more worthy of my affection, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and that is intensely frustrating to me. I’m in the process of trying to talk myself into feeling about Bryan the way I feel about Flynn because it seems like the wise, mature choice that will result in greater happiness in the long term. *Sigh.
I get that I’m in the same situation as you, but my version of Flyn is in a 4yr relationship 🙈 human nature to want the forbidden.
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In my experience, it is better to have a companion, that you really feel is your trusted friend, rather than someone you only once had a passionate love for. But also, that passion is at its best when it renews itself to the same person over and over again and that is more likely to happen with someone you really know well. Most importantly, one should never rush into committed relationships, before one really knows the future partner. Sadly, such understanding of the other often takes a lot longer time than any first flame of passion lasts.
I do not even try to give you an advice, as we are culturally worlds apart (and as said I am no genious in human relationships), but it is good to have good and trusted friends, and if one of those friends will some day set the flame and feels the same about you, then you most certainly have found your match. We live longer and healthier (if we take care of ourselves) these days, than our ancestors did and have reliable contraception, there is no need to rush commitment. We can sit back and enjoy the ride.
Passions may come and go and they often do even after one has committed to someone. I do not think you are not one of those people who would run after their every passion after commitment, so why would you let passion decide for you before you have committed? Passion is a good servant but a poor master. But it is a free worker, not a slave. One can not force it to appear. It only comes when it wants. While passion lasts, we are ready to accept just about anything about the other person, but as it inevitably vanes a bit in time, such stuff that we would have accepted about the other at first, we may realize are unaccptable to us. But a true friend accepts us as who we are. That is why a true friend is more reliable companion, than someone who just had the “hots” for us. That said, such a friend might just as well have the passion about us, and then it is truly passion for what and who we are, when it is first understood and accepted without the sexual tention and hormonal rush. Am I making any sense here?
Why was it you making the dinner at his house?
Thanks for the input. Yes, that completely makes sense and is the primary reason I have been so frustrated in this love triangle. I think Bryan would treat me well and be good to me, but it’s hard to ignore the chemistry I have with Flynn. I’m trying to get my head and heart aligned which, as I’m sure you’ll agree, can be rather difficult! Interestingly, everyone who reads my blog is rooting for Bryan, but all of my friends and family who actually know me are Team Flynn.
I was making dinner for Bryan at his house because it was something I wanted to do for him. He has taken me out to nice restaurants for a number of dates, so I decided that making dinner for him would be a kind way to serve him and return the affection he has shown me. Next time, Bryan has insisted that we make dinner together as a team. 🙂
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